Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

It’s always wonderful to get to know women, with the mystery and the joy and the depth. If you can make a woman laugh, you’re seeing the most beautiful thing on God’s Earth.

We were never intimate mother and children while she was our mother – but… when she became our child, the affection came.

A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

He that has not got a wife is not yet a complete man.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

For me, when I picture the person I want to end up with, I don’t think about what their career is, or what they look like. I picture the feeling I get when I’m with them.

What women need to understand is that men don’t communicate. It’s not intentional or on purpose. We’re just not as emotional. You ladies feel like you have to express yourselves.

The face of a lover is an unknown, precisely because it is invested with so much of oneself. It is a mystery, containing, like all mysteries, the possibility of torment.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Time was when they that feared the Lord spake often to one another; I am afraid that now they more often speak one against another.

I think there are things that are based in your own dealings with someone that is a personal dealing, not a public dealing. Because you have personal experiences.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

The way you see people is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they become.

A noble person attracts noble people, and knows how to hold on to them.

In terms of the legal matter of creating a contract between two people that’s called marriage, and allowing them to live together with the protection of law, it seems to me is the way we should be moving in this country.

Whoever does not have a good father should procure one.

When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?

The beginning of an acquaintance whether with persons or things is to get a definite outline of our ignorance.

Consider the fellow. He never spends his time telling you about his previous night’s date. You get the idea he has eyes only for you and wouldn’t think of looking at another woman.

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.

It is impossible to love and to be wise.

So far is it from being true that men are naturally equal, that no two people can be half an hour together, but one shall acquire an evident superiority over the other.

Trust is not the same as faith. A friend is someone you trust. Putting faith in anyone is a mistake.

Why are women… so much more interesting to men than men are to women?

The correlative to loving our neighbors as ourselves is hating ourselves as we hate our neighbors.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.

If you’re talking to a man who wouldn’t fight with you under any circumstances whatsoever, then you’re talking to someone for whom you have absolutely no respect.

Friendship, like the immortality of the soul, is too good to be believed.

Love, we say, is life; but love without hope and faith is agonizing death.

If one by one we counted people out For the least sin, it wouldn’t take us long To get so we had no one left to live with. For to be social is to be forgiving.

You know, God has some really weird kids, and I find it hard to be in their company most of the time.

The more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.

Well I think a lot of times we’re putting things off and I’m going to do it later. I’m going to break this bad habit or I’m going to pursue this dream or I’m going to treat my spouse better.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.

To get a hold on boys you must be their friend.

A lot of times, people make other people responsible for their joy: ‚You’re not making me happy, you’re not doing this, you’re not doing that.‘

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

Social media has given us this idea that we should all have a posse of friends when in reality, if we have one or two really good friends, we are lucky.

It is the duty of every thoughtful Indian not to marry. In case he is helpless in regard to marriage, he should abstain from sexual intercourse with his wife.

One of the most terrible feelings in the world is knowing that someone else doesn’t like you. Especially when you don’t know what you’ve done to deserve it.

You know how big love is? Love is big. love can hold anger; love can even hold hatred.

I never promise anything. I don’t promise anything to my mum. I don’t promise anything to the supporters.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

I look upon every day to be lost, in which I do not make a new acquaintance.

I’ve missed out on a lot of things, going out with friends.

Love begins by taking care of the closest ones – the ones at home.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

Vanity is as ill at ease under indifference as tenderness is under a love which it cannot return.

My partner Donald Trump says that married couples should always have a prenuptial agreement. True, a prenuptial is important if one partner is much richer than the other before marriage, but Kim and I don’t have one.

The mind of a 19-year-old is very different from the mind of a 26-year-old. You grow. You get into better relationships. You experience more, meet more people, better people. But when you’re in a dark hole at an earlier point in your life – you write about the mindset you’re in at that moment.