A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.

I suppose that’s one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Find enough clever things to say, and you’re a Prime Minister; write them down and you’re a Shakespeare.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

There is a certain majesty in simplicity which is far above all the quaintness of wit.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

Isn’t it strange that I who have written only unpopular books should be such a popular fellow?

People who can’t be witty exert themselves to be devout and affectionate.

Every now and then I will see a word as if for the first time, and suddenly appreciate that Evian is ‚naive‘ spelled backward, or that Bosnia is an anagram of ‚bonsai.‘

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

Wit is the epitaph of an emotion.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Brevity is the soul of wit.

I feel strange when I get applauded by people in power… because it’s obvious that it’s them I’m criticizing, but they can’t show that in front of the cameras. It’s quite funny sometimes.

Of Manners gentle, of Affections mild; In Wit a man; Simplicity, a child.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.

I used to love Kurt Cobain, when he was telling people we’re a pop band. People would laugh, they thought of it as good old ironic Kurt. But he wasn’t being ironic.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

Wit is educated insolence.

Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief.

People use irony as a defense mechanism.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

Cruelty would be delicious if one could only find some sort of cruelty that didn’t really hurt.

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

He would make a lovely corpse.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

It is pretty ironic that the so-called ‚least advanced‘ people are the ones taking the lead in trying to protect all of us, while the richest and most powerful among us are the ones who are trying to drive the society to destruction.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.

The genius, wit, and the spirit of a nation are discovered by their proverbs.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

The first rap CD that I had, it was so different for me. The energy, the wordplay, all that caught my attention, and I liked it.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

This is the first age that’s ever paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

If a man’s wit be wandering, let him study the mathematics.