A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.

Of Manners gentle, of Affections mild; In Wit a man; Simplicity, a child.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

Isn’t it strange that I who have written only unpopular books should be such a popular fellow?

Cruelty would be delicious if one could only find some sort of cruelty that didn’t really hurt.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

He would make a lovely corpse.

If a man’s wit be wandering, let him study the mathematics.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

I suppose that’s one of the ironies of life doing the wrong thing at the right moment.

Wit is educated insolence.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

The first rap CD that I had, it was so different for me. The energy, the wordplay, all that caught my attention, and I liked it.

This is the first age that’s ever paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

Every now and then I will see a word as if for the first time, and suddenly appreciate that Evian is ‚naive‘ spelled backward, or that Bosnia is an anagram of ‚bonsai.‘

It is pretty ironic that the so-called ‚least advanced‘ people are the ones taking the lead in trying to protect all of us, while the richest and most powerful among us are the ones who are trying to drive the society to destruction.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

I used to love Kurt Cobain, when he was telling people we’re a pop band. People would laugh, they thought of it as good old ironic Kurt. But he wasn’t being ironic.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

People use irony as a defense mechanism.

Brevity is the soul of wit.

The genius, wit, and the spirit of a nation are discovered by their proverbs.

Find enough clever things to say, and you’re a Prime Minister; write them down and you’re a Shakespeare.

Wit is the epitaph of an emotion.

Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

There is a certain majesty in simplicity which is far above all the quaintness of wit.

People who can’t be witty exert themselves to be devout and affectionate.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

I feel strange when I get applauded by people in power… because it’s obvious that it’s them I’m criticizing, but they can’t show that in front of the cameras. It’s quite funny sometimes.

The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.