A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

You forget that the fruits belong to all and that the land belongs to no one.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

I’m definitely a Polaroid camera girl. For me, what I’m really excited about is bringing back the artistry and the nature of Polaroid.

Here ends my forever memorable first High Sierra excursion. I have crossed the Range of Light, surely the brightest and best of all the Lord has built. And, rejoicing in its glory, I gladly, gratefully, hopefully pray I may see it again.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Man is but a reed, the most feeble thing in nature, but he is a thinking reed.

What constitutes a real, live human being is more of a mystery than ever these days, and men each one of whom is a valuable, unique experiment on the part of nature are shot down wholesale.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

Although our intellect always longs for clarity and certainty, our nature often finds uncertainty fascinating.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Joy in looking and comprehending is nature’s most beautiful gift.

The American people abhor a vacuum.

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

If we had a keen vision of all that is ordinary in human life, it would be like hearing the grass grow or the squirrel’s heart beat, and we should die of that roar which is the other side of silence.

I never saw a discontented tree. They grip the ground as though they liked it, and though fast rooted they travel about as far as we do.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

The pagan loves the earth in order to enjoy it and confine himself within it; the Christian in order to make it purer and draw from it the strength to escape from it.

It’s easier to replace a dead man than a good picture.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

The beginning of reform is not so much to equalize property as to train the noble sort of natures not to desire more, and to prevent the lower from getting more.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Two things control men’s nature, instinct and experience.

No better way is there to learn to love Nature than to understand Art. It dignifies every flower of the field. And, the boy who sees the thing of beauty which a bird on the wing becomes when transferred to wood or canvas will probably not throw the customary stone.

Five or six songs leaked from the original version of ‚Encore.‘ So I had to go in and make new songs to replace them.

What nature requires is obtainable, and within easy reach. It is for the superfluous we sweat.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Death, like birth, is a secret of Nature.

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

The bluebird carries the sky on his back.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature – trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence… We need silence to be able to touch souls.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

The waving of a pine tree on the top of a mountain – a magic wand in Nature’s hand – every devout mountaineer knows its power; but the marvelous beauty value of what the Scotch call a breckan in a still dell, what poet has sung this?

Every natural object is a conductor of divinity and only by coming into contact with them… may we be filled with the Holy Ghost.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Only by going alone in silence, without baggage, can one truly get into the heart of the wilderness. All other travel is mere dust and hotels and baggage and chatter.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

When California was wild, it was the floweriest part of the continent.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Each piece, or part, of the whole of nature is always merely an approximation to the complete truth, or the complete truth so far as we know it. In fact, everything we know is only some kind of approximation because we know that we do not know all the laws as yet.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

It stands to the everlasting credit of science that by acting on the human mind it has overcome man’s insecurity before himself and before nature.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

It is the nature of every person to error, but only the fool perseveres in error.

All men by nature desire knowledge.