A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Stand-up is hard.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

It will have blood, they say; blood will have blood.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

I don’t like to write like God. It is only because you never do it, though, that the critics think you can’t do it.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

Stand a little less between me and the sun.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Neither should a ship rely on one small anchor, nor should life rest on a single hope.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

If the writing is honest it cannot be separated from the man who wrote it.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

I notice that my characters go out to dinner and have fun and take these great trips, but I spend so much time on their lives, I don’t have much of a personal life of my own. I have to sort of remember to fill out that little notebook on me.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

I write for no other purpose than to add to the beauty that now belongs to me. I write a book for no other reason than to add three or four hundred acres to my magnificent estate.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.