A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

I have been aware all the time that my peoples, spread far and wide throughout every continent and ocean in the world, were united to support me in the task to which I have now been dedicated with such solemnity.

I wouldn’t say that anyone in fashion is on my side. I don’t think there’s anyone on my side.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

I never had a mother. I suppose a mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

For just when ideas fail, a word comes in to save the situation.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

There are patriots who opposed the war in Iraq and there are patriots who supported the war in Iraq. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

The thing that motivates me is a very common form of motivation. And that is, with other folks counting on me, it’s so easy to be motivated.

If you are full of motivation as a player, if you are full of concentration, I am open arms.

The important thing is that your teammates have to know you’re pulling for them and you really want them to be successful.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

The French complain of everything, and always.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

You can tell the strength of a nation by the women behind its men.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

We live in a culture that relishes tearing others down. It’s ultimately more fulfilling, though, to help people reach their goals. Instead of feeling jealous, remember: If God did it for them, He can do it for you.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

Nothing becomes so offensive so quickly as grief. When fresh it finds someone to console it, but when it becomes chronic, it is ridiculed, and rightly.

War should be the politics of last resort. And when we go to war, we should have a purpose that our people understand and support.

What spectacle can be more edifying or more seasonable, than that of Liberty and Learning, each leaning on the other for their mutual and surest support?

Stand-up is my baby.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

No one wants advice – only corroboration.

I knew through the surgeries that he was on my side and that this wasn’t something where I was gonna feel less of a woman, because my husband wasn’t gonna let that happen.

‚Tis not enough to help the feeble up, but to support them after.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

I really thought I was on the way out. My husband Blake saved my life. Often I don’t know what I do, then the next day the memory returns. And then I am engulfed in shame.

Your teammates give you the confidence. They give me the confidence all year, all postseason.

That our government should have been maintained in its original form from its establishment until now is not much to be wondered at. It had many props to support it through that period, which now are decayed and crumbled away. Through that period, it was felt by all to be an undecided experiment; now, it is understood to be a successful one.

Taxpayers have long memories, especially when it comes to how their hard-earned money is spent.

All of us are mentors. You’re mentors right here and now. And one of the things I’ve always done throughout my life, I have always found that person, that group of people that I was going to reach my hand out and help bring them along with me.

Our veterans who fall on hard times and find themselves without a home deserve more than just handwringing or kind words. They deserve real help that gets them back on their feet.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

Family and friendships are two of the greatest facilitators of happiness.

We have an obligation to help people that cannot help themselves. The mentally retarded, the physically retarded, et cetera.

In Europe first and now in America, elected men have taken it upon themselves to indebt their people to create an atmosphere of dependency. And why? For their own selfish need to increase their own personal power.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Everyone needs a coach. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a basketball player, a tennis player, a gymnast or a bridge player.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.

The Qataris have cut off support for the most extreme elements of terrorist organizations.

People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Whenever a youth is ascertained to possess talents meriting an education which his parents cannot afford, he should be carried forward at the public expense.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

The outpouring of support from millions of people in the immediate aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti has been impressive.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

God puts people in our lives on purpose so we can help them succeed and help them become all He created them to be. Most people will not reach their full potential without somebody else believing in them.

God knows what we are going through when we grieve, and He wants to assure us of His love and concern. He also wants us to turn to Him and bring our heartaches and burdens to Him.

Let’s be very clear: Strong men – men who are truly role models – don’t need to put down women to make themselves feel powerful. People who are truly strong lift others up. People who are truly powerful bring others together.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Very few people can afford to be poor.