A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

I’ll do whatever it takes to win games, whether it’s sitting on a bench waving a towel, handing a cup of water to a teammate, or hitting the game-winning shot.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

Let’s be very clear: Strong men – men who are truly role models – don’t need to put down women to make themselves feel powerful. People who are truly strong lift others up. People who are truly powerful bring others together.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

Romania, which had the worst dictator in Eastern Europe, Ceausescu, he was a darling of the West. The United States and Britain loved him. He was supported until the last minute.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

I found that with depression, one of the most important things you could realise is that you’re not alone.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake.

I met India Arie, who is one of my favorite artists of all time. It was really sweet; I was broken up with a month before, and she stayed up texting me all night and was helping me through it. Her text message looks like a song of hers. She’s sort of become my fairy godmother.

As a former resident with strong personal and ministry ties to the North Star State, I pray that the good people of Minnesota will show their support for God’s definition of marriage, between a man and a woman.

The important thing is that your teammates have to know you’re pulling for them and you really want them to be successful.

So while an incredible amount of progress has been made, on this fifth anniversary, I wanted to come here and tell the people of this city directly: My administration is going to stand with you – and fight alongside you – until the job is done. Until New Orleans is all the way back, all the way.

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

‚Tis not enough to help the feeble up, but to support them after.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

It’s rare for a startup to make money immediately, so you need to make sure that you have enough saved or that you have another income stream that can support you.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

I think sometimes the critics want me to beat people down, and that’s not in me. I want to lift people up.

I had very good support from Democrats and Republicans all throughout my administration. I had a very high batting average. We added more jobs per year in my four years than any other president since the Second World War.

My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Virtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

You can’t have it all, all at once. Who – man or woman – has it all, all at once? Over my lifespan, I think I have had it all. But in different periods of time, things were rough. And if you have a caring life partner, you help the other person when that person needs it.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Cry if you have a compound fracture, by all means. Or if your grandpa died. But otherwise, save it for your pillow.

Lack of money is the root of all evil.

I would go to the deeps a hundred times to cheer a downcast spirit. It is good for me to have been afflicted, that I might know how to speak a word in season to one that is weary.

The most important thing for a young man is to establish a credit… a reputation, character.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

In Europe first and now in America, elected men have taken it upon themselves to indebt their people to create an atmosphere of dependency. And why? For their own selfish need to increase their own personal power.

I have never left another senator out to dry. Never.

The best marriages are the ones where we can go out in the world and really put ourselves out there. A lot of times we’ll fail, and sometimes we’ll pull it off. But good marriages are when you can go home and know that your vulnerability will be honored as courage, and that you’ll find support.

The thing that motivates me is a very common form of motivation. And that is, with other folks counting on me, it’s so easy to be motivated.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

With all the… success that I’ve been lucky enough to get? That doesn’t happen unless the home life is solid.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.