A lot of truth is said in jest.

Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

The wise man does not lay up his own treasures. The more he gives to others, the more he has for his own.

His priority did not seem to be to teach them what he knew, but rather to impress upon them that nothing, not even… knowledge, was foolproof.

Anyone who doesn’t take truth seriously in small matters cannot be trusted in large ones either.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.

Although nature commences with reason and ends in experience it is necessary for us to do the opposite, that is to commence with experience and from this to proceed to investigate the reason.

The cautious seldom err.

Silence is the mother of truth.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

A fool is wise in his eyes.

Seek not the favor of the multitude; it is seldom got by honest and lawful means. But seek the testimony of few; and number not voices, but weigh them.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

The wise man does not expose himself needlessly to danger, since there are few things for which he cares sufficiently; but he is willing, in great crises, to give even his life – knowing that under certain conditions it is not worthwhile to live.

Our best thoughts come from others.

Both in thought and in feeling, even though time be real, to realise the unimportance of time is the gate of wisdom.

It would be a terrific innovation if you could get your mind to stretch a little further than the next wisecrack.

He who obtains has little. He who scatters has much.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Knowledge without justice ought to be called cunning rather than wisdom.

Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

No law or ordinance is mightier than understanding.

There is a wisdom of the head, and a wisdom of the heart.

A poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom.

Having nothing, nothing can he lose.

Only enemies speak the truth; friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

Young people are just as attracted to the truth as they are convenience and expediency.

If you think in terms of a year, plant a seed; if in terms of ten years, plant trees; if in terms of 100 years, teach the people.

The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.

One should take good care not to grow too wise for so great a pleasure of life as laughter.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

It is a common saying, and in everybody’s mouth, that life is but a sojourn.

Wise kings generally have wise counselors; and he must be a wise man himself who is capable of distinguishing one.

Children are a wonderful gift. They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are.

In wartime, truth is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies.

Expectations are a form of first-class truth: If people believe it, it’s true.

Before we acquire great power we must acquire wisdom to use it well.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

Bad news isn’t wine. It doesn’t improve with age.

The reason that fiction is more interesting than any other form of literature, to those who really like to study people, is that in fiction the author can really tell the truth without humiliating himself.

Ignorance and bungling with love are better than wisdom and skill without.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Twice and thrice over, as they say, good is it to repeat and review what is good.

Stand-up is my baby.

If anyone offers conjectures about the truth of things from the mere possibility of hypotheses, I do not see by what stipulation anything certain can be determined in any science, since one or another set of hypotheses may always be devised which will appear to supply new difficulties.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

How do you know what it’s like to be stupid if you’ve never been smart?

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘