A lot of truth is said in jest.

Our best thoughts come from others.

Misfortune seldom intrudes upon the wise man; his greatest and highest interests are directed by reason throughout the course of life.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

I think carrying moral baggage is very dangerous for an artist. If you have a duty, it’s to be true and not cover up the cracks.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

We ought to fly away from earth to heaven as quickly as we can; and to fly away is to become like God, as far as this is possible; and to become like him is to become holy, just, and wise.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

You’re dead if you aim only for kids. Adults are only kids grown up, anyway.

I have many regrets, and I’m sure everyone does. The stupid things you do, you regret… if you have any sense, and if you don’t regret them, maybe you’re stupid.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

Truth, according to the Christian faith, is God’s love for us in Jesus Christ. Therefore, truth is a relationship.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That’s when you know the most, you’ve seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known.

Since we cannot know all that there is to be known about anything, we ought to know a little about everything.

I love wisdom. And you can never be great at anything unless you love it. Not be in love with it, but love the thing, admire the thing. And it seems that if you love the thing, and you don’t just want to possess it, it will find you.

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

Thought is the wind and knowledge the sail.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

In a magazine, one can get – from cover to cover – 15 to 20 different ideas about life and how to live it.

You can always tell an old soldier by the inside of his holsters and cartridge boxes. The young ones carry pistols and cartridges; the old ones, grub.

If I went back to my 20-year-old self, what I would tell my 20-year-old self is, ‚You don’t know anything.‘ Because everyone, when they’re young, they think they know what’s going on in the world, and you don’t.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.

Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness come upon you.

The foolish man conceives the idea of ‚self.‘ The wise man sees there is no ground on which to build the idea of ‚self;‘ thus, he has a right conception of the world and well concludes that all compounds amassed by sorrow will be dissolved again, but the truth will remain.

Every time I say something that’s extremely truthful out loud, it literally breaks the Internet.

Be not astonished at new ideas; for it is well known to you that a thing does not therefore cease to be true because it is not accepted by many.

I say, beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.

We call first truths those we discover after all the others.

My mother had a saying: ‚Kamala, you may be the first to do many things, but make sure you’re not the last.‘

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

That is never too often repeated, which is never sufficiently learned.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you make listening and observation your occupation you will gain much more than you can by talk.

Those who do not know how to live must make a merit of dying.

Virtue is like a rich stone, best plain set.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

No one but a fool is always right.

The wisdom of the wise and the experience of the ages are perpetuated by quotations.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Experience never errs; it is only your judgments that err by promising themselves effects such as are not caused by your experiments.

Riches are a good hand maiden, but a poor mistress.

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.

Speak the truth, and all things alive or brute are vouchers, and the very roots of the grass underground there, do seem to stir and move to bear you witness.

My mind doesn’t work, my memories don’t work like a computer file where I can just retrieve them and, boy, there it is. My mind is selective in terms of memories. When I try to think back to college or high school, there are gaps. I try to fill them in. But I can’t tell you it’s always the truth.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

One must know oneself. If this does not serve to discover truth, it at least serves as a rule of life and there is nothing better.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

Wisdom is nothing but a preparation of the soul, a capacity, a secret art of thinking, feeling and breathing thoughts of unity at every moment of life.