A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

I’m sure everyone knows now that only a few have performed in Madison Square Garden. That list is so small. Now I’m on that list. I’m a part of a very small group, which is unbelievable. You relish in that moment for a second.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

I love to go to the zoo. But not on Sunday. I don’t like to see the people making fun of the animals, when it should be the other way around.

The movie business is a big gamble.

Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope, and that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

I’m Mickey Mouse. They don’t know who’s inside the suit.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

I’ve done auditions where the casting director is taking the paper out of my hand in the middle of reading.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

I do admire Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen, but I’m a philistine. I like the good life too much; I’m not good at going on stage night after night and on wet Wednesday afternoons.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

I used to rush home to see ‚Match Of The Day.‘ Whatever I was doing, I wouldn’t miss it.

At Real, psychological pressure on the players is much more serious than at United. This is good. At many clubs, you don’t know the consequence of playing badly.

And I love a scary movie. It makes your toes curl and it’s not you going through it.

It is more fitting for a man to laugh at life than to lament over it.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don’t really think most people really understand what they’ve seen.

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

It just seems there’s better things to do in your life than be on television if it’s not interesting, if it’s not challenging, if it’s not fun. You know? When it stops being those things for me, I’ll stop making television.

I work hard for the audience. It’s entertainment. I don’t need validation.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

One of the things you’re doing when you make art, apart from entertaining yourself and other people, is trying to see what ways of working feel good, what feels right.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I think the thing we see is that as people are using video games more, they tend to watch passive TV a bit less. And so using the PC for the Internet, playing video games, is starting to cut into the rather unbelievable amount of time people spend watching TV.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

I like my fair share of board games.

I never wanted to sing. I just wanted to play rhythm guitar – hide in the back and just play.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

I’ve always wanted to do a family movie.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Everything I learned I learned from the movies.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad.

I would rather entertain and hope that people learned something than educate people and hope they were entertained.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

And I try to give the best bang for the buck. I love performing more than anything else.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Writers and books are cheap dates, especially when you compare the cost of a book with a ticket to the opera – or an NHL game.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.