A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

There may not be one Truth – there may be several truths – but saying that is not to say that reality doesn’t exist.

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

The best book, like the best speech, will do it all – make us laugh, think, cry and cheer – preferably in that order.

Movies can and do have tremendous influence in shaping young lives in the realm of entertainment towards the ideals and objectives of normal adulthood.

Pop music will never be low brow.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

One of the things you’re doing when you make art, apart from entertaining yourself and other people, is trying to see what ways of working feel good, what feels right.

Memories are thoughts that arise. They’re not realities. Only when you believe that they are real, then they have the power over you. But when you realize it’s just another thought arising about the past, then you can have a spacious relationship with that thought. The thought no longer has you in its grip.

I sell escapism.

What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it’s curved like a road through mountains.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

Besides entertainment and action, I want to educate. You know, as a producer or director, we do have a responsibility to society.

Small is the number of people who see with their eyes and think with their minds.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

A person who is gifted sees the essential point and leaves the rest as surplus.

I performed in a bowling alley before while people were still bowling. Cut the check, and I will perform anywhere.

An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody sees it.

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Truth lives, in fact, for the most part on a credit system. Our thoughts and beliefs pass, so long as nothing challenges them, just as bank-notes pass so long as nobody refuses them.

Nobody is as powerful as we make them out to be.

I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I didn’t tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn’t happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Vanity is but the surface.

The outside perception and inside perception of Microsoft are so different. The view of Microsoft inside Microsoft is always kind of an underdog thing.

Seeing a live Kenny Chesney show, you know what you’re going to get. You know it’s going to be an all-day party.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

I love performing, you know, because, like I say, I’m a ham for this stuff.

There are three classes of people: those who see, those who see when they are shown, those who do not see.

Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.

I like a drama.

When Jerry Springer thinks you’ve gone too far, my friends, you have gone too far.

If we had a keen vision of all that is ordinary in human life, it would be like hearing the grass grow or the squirrel’s heart beat, and we should die of that roar which is the other side of silence.

A particularly beautiful woman is a source of terror. As a rule, a beautiful woman is a terrible disappointment.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

We don’t want people to leave the stadium until the game finishes.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

For people who may think they know, or have snippets of who I am, you can attack that person. That’s part of being a public figure.

Growing up I didn’t watch movies.

Having other comedians complimenting my work is the biggest accolade that I can get.

I love to go to the zoo. But not on Sunday. I don’t like to see the people making fun of the animals, when it should be the other way around.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

In my opinion, there is no aspect of reality beyond the reach of the human mind.

It occurred to me that there was no difference between men, in intelligence or race, so profound as the difference between the sick and the well.

Few people have the imagination for reality.

I knew early on that I wanted to entertain in some form. And I knew I would work as hard as anyone to do it.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.