A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

I told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I’m attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn’t that what attracts anyone?

I’m kind of claustrophobic… It’s not even like enclosed spaces. It’s like I hate being stuck in one band, you know? Just being stuck is the biggest drag, for fear that, you know, just that you can’t get out.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

When I was 16… I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because… they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

Human beings are the only animals of which I am thoroughly and cravenly afraid.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It’s embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

It’s a funny old world.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

Dread of night. Dread of not-night.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Really, I don’t like roller coasters.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

I won’t touch on risky, because that’s subjective. People are just afraid of things too much. Afraid of things that don’t necessarily merit fear.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

I’m always worried about everything. Like spiders.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.