A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

I’ve had a lot of ridiculous haircuts.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

It’s a funny old world.

Dread of night. Dread of not-night.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I’m always worried about everything. Like spiders.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It’s embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I was 16… I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because… they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

Human beings are the only animals of which I am thoroughly and cravenly afraid.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

I’m kind of claustrophobic… It’s not even like enclosed spaces. It’s like I hate being stuck in one band, you know? Just being stuck is the biggest drag, for fear that, you know, just that you can’t get out.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

I won’t touch on risky, because that’s subjective. People are just afraid of things too much. Afraid of things that don’t necessarily merit fear.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

Nothing scares me more than people with some doll collection.

The only thing I’m afraid of is bees. I don’t like bees. I’m allergic to them.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

Really, I don’t like roller coasters.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.