A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Dread of night. Dread of not-night.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

Nothing scares me more than people with some doll collection.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Really, I don’t like roller coasters.

I told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

When I was 16… I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because… they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It’s embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

It’s a funny old world.

I’m kind of claustrophobic… It’s not even like enclosed spaces. It’s like I hate being stuck in one band, you know? Just being stuck is the biggest drag, for fear that, you know, just that you can’t get out.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I’m always worried about everything. Like spiders.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

I’ve had a lot of ridiculous haircuts.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

The only thing I’m afraid of is bees. I don’t like bees. I’m allergic to them.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

I’m attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn’t that what attracts anyone?

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Human beings are the only animals of which I am thoroughly and cravenly afraid.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.