A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

I don’t see any boundaries between any of the art forms. I think they all inter-relate completely.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

You just don’t wake up one day and decide that you need to write songs.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

There was never a genius without a tincture of madness.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I push myself in a lot of aspects when I write a song. I write a piece and where most people would stop and say, ‚Oh, that’s the hook right there,‘ I’ll move that to the first four bars of the verse and do a new hook.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I cannot with any real integrity perform songs I’ve done for 25 years. I don’t need the money. What I need is to feel that I am not letting myself down as an artist and that I still have something to contribute.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

I think songwriting is the ultimate form of being able to make anything that happens in your life productive.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

My purpose is to make exciting music, and I feel like I’ll be doing that for the rest of my life, so there’s no pressure.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Ideas have a short shelf life. You must act on them before the expiration date.

I do admire Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen, but I’m a philistine. I like the good life too much; I’m not good at going on stage night after night and on wet Wednesday afternoons.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

Art is going to make a bigger comeback than ever. That’s the upside to things getting challenging.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

You can draw inspiration from anything. If you’re a good storyteller, you can take a dirty look somebody gives you, or if a guy you used to have flirtations with starts dating a new girl, or somebody you’re casually talking to says something that makes you so mad – you can create an entire scenario around that.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I stay out of politics because if I begin thinking too much about politics, I’ll probably… drop writing children’s books and become a political cartoonist again.

Although I write screenplays, I don’t think I’m a very good writer.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

Music is this divine thing, the closest that we can get to something divine. It’s like this instinct we all own, and some of us have found a way to hear that music and write it down and share it with people.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.

I tell my fellow reggaetoneros, keep giving it your all and bring more creativity.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I criticize by creation – not by finding fault.

New ideas pass through three periods: 1) It can’t be done. 2) It probably can be done, but it’s not worth doing. 3) I knew it was a good idea all along!

I wanted to write.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

There’s something about being in front of a live audience that’s fun. It’s a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can’t get it anywhere else. And I’ve been doing it since I was 23, so it’s part of my being – it’s part of my fabric as a person.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

But when I hear a great song, I can’t help but be inspired by it, regardless of whatever genre that song falls under.

Everything is my demon muse. I have a muse which whispers in my ear and says, ‚Do this, do that,‘ but it’s my demon who provokes me.

Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while. That’s because they were able to connect experiences they’ve had and synthesize new things.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

When I’m writing a record, I kind of don’t listen to much music. Just because I want to be inspired solely on the emotion; just based on how it feels.

I try to do the fancy things out there by going with both hands, making crossover moves, and having a certain creativity and flair to my game.

All the works of man have their origin in creative fantasy. What right have we then to depreciate imagination.

I’m a songwriter. Everything affects me.

Creative people don’t behave very well generally. If you’re looking for examples of good relationships in show business, you’re gonna be depressed real fast. I don’t have time for anything else right now but work and my daughter. She’s my first priority.

Poetry comes from the highest happiness or the deepest sorrow.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

Generally, a writer of force is anywhere from 20 years to 200 years ahead of his generation.