A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

Whenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I grew up in a funny way.

Stand-up is my baby.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

In the end, everything is a gag.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘