A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

My friends are people who like building cool stuff. We always have this joke about people who want to just start companies without making something valuable. There’s a lot of that in Silicon Valley.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

I can tell you, honest friend, what to believe: believe life; it teaches better that book or orator.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I wanted to tell the story of Luong Ung, who’s a dear friend of mine.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

I grew up in a funny way.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

Stand-up is hard.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

Jack Kerouac influenced me quite a bit as a writer… in the Arab sense that the enemy of my enemy was my friend.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

Whenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.