A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Often we can help each other most by leaving each other alone; at other times we need the hand-grasp and the word of cheer.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

I let the dog out, or I let him in, and we talk some. I let him know I like him, and he lets me know he likes me.

When you think about it, three of our biggest financial decisions in life are made at times of peak emotional excitement: deciding to get married, buying a home, and having kids.

Talk well of the absent whenever you have the opportunity.

I make friends faster and easier than journalists.

Few friendships would survive if each one knew what his friend says of him behind his back.

I’m not the girl who always has a boyfriend. I’m the girl who rarely has a boyfriend.

I would love to get Rihanna on a Khaled song. That’s my friend, but every time I’m around her, I get shy.

Man’s enemies are not demons, but human beings like himself.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.

We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.

Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world.

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Leaders must be close enough to relate to others, but far enough ahead to motivate them.

We will stand up for our friends in the world. And one of the most important friends is the State of Israel. My administration will be steadfast in support Israel against terrorism and violence, and in seeking the peace for which all Israelis pray.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

When I say I’m going to take care of a woman, I don’t just mean physically or sexually or romantically. I’m going to take care of her emotionally and spiritually. I’m going to take care of her in all ways. I take a lot of pride in that today.

Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

If you want to give up the admiration of thousands of men for the distain of one, go ahead, get married.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Don’t get the impression that you arouse my anger. You see, one can only be angry with those he respects.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

I can’t go out with a Republican.

My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake.

It is the most sensual men who need to flee women and torment their bodies.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, sir, should keep his friendship in a constant repair.

Assuming if there’s such a thing as reality, if you have a false relationship with it, how can you do anything but fail?

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

I have discovered that my interest in my dear pupil, Mabel, has ripened into a far deeper feeling than that of mere friendship. In fact, I know that I have learned to love her very sincerely.

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.

A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.

To witness two lovers is a spectacle for the gods.

If you are not being bullied all I would say – cause I like to talk about the other side of it as well – is you know, be someone that nurtures, and if there’s someone in your class that maybe doesn’t have a lot of friends, be the person that sits with them in the cafeteria sometimes; be the bigger person.

The wisest hustler can suddenly fall for the worst tramp and lose all of his money on her. The hustler is aware of his own weaknesses and openings to con. This awareness is his edge.

Who could refrain that had a heart to love and in that heart courage to make love known?

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

My fans saw me get engaged, saw me make that woman my wife, me having kids, me divorcing, me talking about divorce before the divorce, me talking about my kids‘ reaction to that divorce.

Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves.

A woman can’t be alone. She needs a man. A man and a woman support and strengthen each other. She just can’t do it by herself.

True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity, before it is entitled to the appellation.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

If you want to know who your friends are, get yourself a jail sentence.

I have a really close relationship with Mike Bloomberg.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

If misery loves company, misery has company enough.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.