A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Debt is part of the human condition. Civilization is based on exchanges – on gifts, trades, loans – and the revenges and insults that come when they are not paid back.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

I hate to be smart.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind; the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I think all Americans believe in human rights. And health is an often overlooked aspect of basic human rights. And it’s one that’s easily corrected. The reason I say that is that many of the diseases that we treat around the world, I knew when I was a child. My mother was a registered nurse. And they no longer exist in our country.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I’m not resigned, but I’m realistic too. The statistics in my case are very poor. Not many people come through esophageal cancer and live to talk about it, or not for long. And the other wager is, the part of the wager, it’s a certainty you’ll have a terrible time and you may wish you were dying because it’s an awful process.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

The Global Fund is a central player in the progress being achieved on HIV, TB and malaria. It channels resources to help countries fight these diseases. I believe in its impact because I have seen it firsthand.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

In low-income countries, the main problems you have is infectious diseases.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

Cancer is still a word that strikes fear into people’s hearts, producing a deep sense of powerlessness. But today it is possible to find out through a blood test whether you are highly susceptible to breast and ovarian cancer, and then take action.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

Obamacare sucks, it can’t be fixed.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Widespread use of antibiotics promotes the spread of antibiotic resistance. Smart use of antibiotics is the key to controlling its spread.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

I wouldn’t be here today if it were not for the NHS. I have received a large amount of high-quality treatment without which I would not have survived.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

I believe it should be possible for someone stricken with a serious and ultimately fatal illness to choose to die peacefully with medical help, rather than suffer.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘