A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

I do not want medical men to discuss whether or not my work is valuable, because I know what it will do. I want them to tell me how best this new knowledge of rapidly restoring paralysed people to health and strength can be applied where it is needed.

Like the experience of warfare, the endurance of grave or terminal illness involves long periods of tedium and anxiety, punctuated by briefer interludes of stark terror and pain.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

The ideal thing would be to have a 100 percent effective AIDS vaccine. And to have broad usage of that vaccine. That would literally break the epidemic.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.

I see the church as a field hospital after battle. It is useless to ask a seriously injured person if he has high cholesterol and about the level of his blood sugars. You have to heal his wounds. Then we can talk about everything else.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

I hate to be smart.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.