A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

When I was on TV in the ’80s, I wasn’t thinking, ‚There’s a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he’s gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.‘ I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they’re influenced by me – it’s bizarre.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating – is this the exact right mix? I think that’s – to me it’s anti-comedy. It’s more about PC-nonsense.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

I learned from the guys before me – Bill Cosby, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Richard Pryor, just to name a few. These are guys that let it all hang out. What they lived is what they took to the stage.