A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

To be honest with you, when I got into this I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me. I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

When I got into this, I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me, I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor, and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

Stand-up is hard.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

Comedy Central was a great network, but ‚Chappelle’s Show‘ took it to a completely different level. Other shows got bigger because so many viewers were watching the ‚Chappelle‘ reruns. For BET, the ‚Real Husbands of Hollywood‘ has that same potential.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.