The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.
George OrwellIt’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.
Will RogersI’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.
LeBron JamesIce-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.
VoltairePeople who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.
William Makepeace ThackerayYou’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.
Tom BradyI’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
Jerry SeinfeldBachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.
H. L. MenckenWhen I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
Steven WrightI must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘
Terry PratchettIf I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression.
Jim CarreyWhen you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.
Jerry SeinfeldPerhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.
Arthur C. ClarkeMy son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!
Henny YoungmanThe knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Douglas AdamsThere is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.
Oscar WildeIf I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.
Dwayne JohnsonThere was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘
Jim CarreyI’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‚The Tonight Show.‘ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven WrightJesters do often prove prophets.
Joseph AddisonIt takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it.
Jerry SeinfeldSome sarcasm is best told simply.
Kevin HartI’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.
Kanye WestEvery once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘
Dwayne JohnsonYou look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
Henny YoungmanA lot of truth is said in jest.
EminemFrom there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Dr. SeussThe greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
Jerry SeinfeldI did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.
Bob UeckerWhat is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
Mark TwainI have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating – is this the exact right mix? I think that’s – to me it’s anti-comedy. It’s more about PC-nonsense.
Jerry SeinfeldWhenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘
Maya AngelouTeach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.
Thomas CarlyleAs an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.
Dwayne JohnsonWhen things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.
Margaret AtwoodYou can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.
Anthony BourdainIt’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Robert FrostWhen I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.
Steven WrightI won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.
Jerry SeinfeldDoing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.
Steven WrightThere is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Erma BombeckPolitics is applesauce.
Will RogersIf my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.
Isaac AsimovMy mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.
Steven WrightBy trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.
Mark TwainThere is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Frank ZappaThe secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
Mark TwainIt doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
Steven WrightI come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Erma BombeckTo truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!
Charlie ChaplinI just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.
Kamala HarrisYou know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.
Jerry SeinfeldI can get where some scientists would say comedians are crazy. What you have to understand: A lot of comedians are dealing with a dark passion. A lot of these are guys coming from a tumultuous life, including myself. Some people need outlets, a way to express yourself.
Kevin HartIf you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.
Will RogersI must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Groucho MarxI’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
Groucho MarxIf I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
Will RogersGovernment is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
Ronald ReaganThe human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Mark TwainA lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.
Jerry Seinfeld