A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn’t really bother me.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

I’m looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

But I did ‚Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.‘ They made a cereal out of it, so once you’ve had a cereal, it doesn’t get much more surreal than that. Surreal cereal.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don’t know if I’ll ever be as good a dad as my dad.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

Wit is educated insolence.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.