A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

SNL is a home. You’ve got all of your brothers and sisters there, and it’s a great time.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating – is this the exact right mix? I think that’s – to me it’s anti-comedy. It’s more about PC-nonsense.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

Having other comedians complimenting my work is the biggest accolade that I can get.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

Take my wife… Please!

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don’t know if I’ll ever be as good a dad as my dad.

Wit is educated insolence.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.