A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

I wanted to be a writer-performer like the Pythons. In fact, I wanted to be John Cleese, and it took me some time to realise that the job was, in fact, taken.

George Carlin’s album, ‚Class Clown,‘ came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I’d come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don’t even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

When I was on TV in the ’80s, I wasn’t thinking, ‚There’s a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he’s gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.‘ I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they’re influenced by me – it’s bizarre.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

I now have two different audiences. There’s the one that has been watching my action films for 20 years, and the American family audience. American jokes, less fighting.

Having other comedians complimenting my work is the biggest accolade that I can get.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

I hate to be smart.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone’s grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.