A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

I mean, families are weird.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

The only time you really live fully is from thirty to sixty. The young are slaves to dreams; the old servants of regrets. Only the middle-aged have all their five senses in the keeping of their wits.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

The credit of advancing science has always been due to individuals and never to the age.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

One lesson you better learn if you want to be in politics is that you never go out on a golf course and beat the President.

Discretion of speech is more than eloquence, and to speak agreeably to him with whom we deal is more than to speak in good words, or in good order.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

If a man or woman is born ten years sooner or later, their whole aspect and performance shall be different.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Confusion of goals and perfection of means seems, in my opinion, to characterize our age.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

Politeness is, you know, is a wonderful thing. Manners are in fact, really important thing. But remember, Jesus didn’t have many manners as we now know.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

For me, there are two types of people: the young and the experienced.

Bad news isn’t wine. It doesn’t improve with age.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.