A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

When we’re looking for compassion, we need someone who is deeply rooted, is able to bend and, most of all, embraces us for our strengths and struggles.

The wise are wise only because they love. The fool are fools only because they think they can understand love.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Ultimately, a real understanding of history means that we face nothing new under the sun.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

You have to see and smell and feel the circumstances of people to really understand them.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

It is understanding that gives us an ability to have peace. When we understand the other fellow’s viewpoint, and he understands ours, then we can sit down and work out our differences.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Sometimes I try to just sit at home and do something calmer and simpler and just be in my life. You know, not trying to solve a lot of things at once.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

There is always another way to say the same thing that doesn’t look at all like the way you said it before. I don’t know what the reason for this is. I think it is somehow a representation of the simplicity of nature.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

I want to reform the tax code so that it’s simple, fair, and asks the wealthiest households to pay higher taxes on incomes over $250,000 – the same rate we had when Bill Clinton was president; the same rate we had when our economy created nearly 23 million new jobs, the biggest surplus in history, and a lot of millionaires to boot.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Faith must trample under foot all reason, sense, and understanding.

We as women, we have to understand that we know more, just even instinctively, than we think we do.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended-and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

When I understand myself, I understand you, and out of that understanding comes love.

We may have our private opinions but why should they be a bar to the meeting of hearts?

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

Thoughts without content are empty, intuitions without concepts are blind.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

We need somebody who’s got the heart, the empathy, to recognize what it’s like to be a young teenage mom, the empathy to understand what it’s like to be poor or African-American or gay or disabled or old – and that’s the criterion by which I’ll be selecting my judges.

We have to continue to learn. We have to be open. And we have to be ready to release our knowledge in order to come to a higher understanding of reality.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

I’d like to believe that the people that have supported me in my work or identified with me in films, the people that feel they know me, they do and they don’t have misconceptions – they understand. I believe that.

Japan’s very interesting. Some people think it copies things. I don’t think that anymore. I think what they do is reinvent things. They will get something that’s already been invented and study it until they thoroughly understand it. In some cases, they understand it better than the original inventor.

Teach me to feel another’s woe, to hide the fault I see, that mercy I to others show, that mercy show to me.

We should not pretend to understand the world only by the intellect. The judgement of the intellect is only part of the truth.

There’s always going to be people who don’t understand or accept the united science, and I will just ignore them, as I’m only acting and communicating on the science.

The noblest pleasure is the joy of understanding.

You will never understand bureaucracies until you understand that for bureaucrats procedure is everything and outcomes are nothing.

We hear only those questions for which we are in a position to find answers.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle.

Simplify, simplify.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.