There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

Stand-up is hard.

Twice and thrice over, as they say, good is it to repeat and review what is good.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

Life’s like a play: it’s not the length, but the excellence of the acting that matters.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

He who does not trust enough, Will not be trusted.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

There is nothing so stable as change.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Plato is dear to me, but dearer still is truth.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

So live with men as if God saw you and speak to God, as if men heard you.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

Take my wife… Please!

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Anything I’ve ever said, I certainly was feeling at the time.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Of two evils, choose neither.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.