We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

It’s a funny old world.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

Pop is totally results-oriented and there is a very strong feedback loop.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

If you tell me there’s something I can’t do, I’ll want to do it even more. Especially when it comes to entertaining.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

You see some of the weirdest people in Detroit casinos.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

At the end of the day, the TV show is the best job in the world. I get to go anywhere I want, eat and drink whatever I want. As long as I just babble at the camera, other people will pay for it. It’s a gift.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you’ll just rattle your jewelry.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

A laugh, to be joyous, must flow from a joyous heart, for without kindness, there can be no true joy.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years later it became sort of serious-looking and a bit foreboding.

Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

I love performing, you know, because, like I say, I’m a ham for this stuff.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

People don’t want drama 365 days a year. I’m a sense of relief; it’s my job to take your mind off what’s bad for that brief second you’re in the room with me, regardless of shape, race, colour or anything. It brings people together, and it makes me feel good about what I’m doing.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don’t really think most people really understand what they’ve seen.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

Basically, I live to do gigs.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

Music was an experience, intimately married to your life. You could pay to hear music, but after you did, it was over, gone – a memory.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

As a producer, as a CEO of Hartbeat Productions, I am making deals to put my company in place to win, to put my staff to work so that while all this stuff is going on, they’re in the kitchen cooking. So it’s understanding the longevity of the entertainment business; you get out of it what you put into it.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

When I do stand-up shows at colleges, girls will talk to me after the show, and that always feels good. I like talking to them.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

When the kids are laughing in the audience, I tear up, I’m so happy I did a nice thing.

Maybe I’ll give Broadway a try. But you know what would be great? Hosting the Oscars. I promise you, that would be a show no one forgot.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.