I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Even if the politics needed doesn’t exist today, we still need to use our voices to make sure that the people in power are focused on the right things. Because this is a democracy, and in a democracy, people are the ones who run the country.

If you think you can slander a woman into loving you, or a man into voting for you, try it till you are satisfied.

For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country. And not just because Barack has done well, but because I think people are hungry for change. And I have been desperate to see our country moving in that direction.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

Don’t interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

Unless your government is respectable, foreigners will invade your rights; and to maintain tranquillity, it must be respectable – even to observe neutrality, you must have a strong government.

When the President does it, that means that it’s not illegal.

The very design of neoliberal principles is a direct attack on democracy.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don’t have to waste your time voting.

The diversity in the faculties of men, from which the rights of property originate, is not less an insuperable obstacle to an uniformity of interests. The protection of these faculties is the first object of government.

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

Why has government been instituted at all? Because the passions of men will not conform to the dictates of reason and justice, without constraint.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

I really don’t like women who try to be men. All these politicians, I think they’re horrendous. We could have a brilliant future, but we have this terrible male vision of destroying everything. They’d better sort themselves out and become more womanly.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

For every benefit you receive a tax is levied.

If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

If you’re looking for the safe choice, you shouldn’t be supporting a black guy named Barack Obama to be the next leader of the free world.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions that I wish it to be always kept alive.

People were asleep, but I think they’re waking up now. Trump has given everybody a good kick, and people are waking up and realizing they’ve got to get involved.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other’s speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in.

You can’t just have slogans, you can’t just have catchy phrases. You have to have an agenda. And I think what the Republican Party has to do, if it’s going to incorporate the tea party efforts in it, is to come up with an agenda that the American people can see, touch, and actually believe in, and something they believe in.

I think governments can’t do much.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I do not think I could myself be brought to support a man for office whom I knew to be an open enemy of, and scoffer at, religion.

I think that both parties should declare the debt limit as a political weapon of mass destruction which can’t be used. I mean, it is silly to have a country that has 237 years building up its reputation and then have people threaten to tear it down because they’re not getting some other matter.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

An election is coming. Universal peace is declared, and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry.

For all who love freedom and peace, the world without Saddam Hussein’s regime is a better and safer place.

Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven’t had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.

So far as the government is concerned, there is only one holy book, which is the constitution of India. My government will not tolerate or accept any discrimination based on caste, creed and religion.

As a tactic, violence is absurd. No one can compete with the Government in violence, and the resort to violence, which will surely fail, will simply frighten and alienate some who can be reached, and will further encourage the ideologists and administrators of forceful repression.

A Bill of Rights is what the people are entitled to against every government, and what no just government should refuse, or rest on inference.

Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.

It is important that the United States remain a two-party system. I’m a fellow who likes small parties and the Republican Party can’t be too small to suit me.

Poetry is about the grief. Politics is about the grievance.

As a member of the Senate Intelligence Committee, I know that the men and women of our intelligence community put their lives on the line every day, and they do very dangerous work to keep our country safe.

Governments regard their own citizens as their main enemy, and they have to be – protect themselves. That’s why you have state secret laws. Citizens are not supposed to know what their government is doing to them.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Everything is political. I will never be a politician or even think political. Me just deal with life and nature. That is the greatest thing to me.

I don’t want to express my opinion about actual politics, because if I do, I have to be responsible for my decision.

This nuclear option is ultimately an example of the arrogance of power.

Idealism is the noble toga that political gentlemen drape over their will to power.

When Hillary served in the Senate, I saw her work day and night as a member of the Armed Services Committee – working with Republicans and Democrats to keep our military strong and protect our troops and their families.