It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

It sure is hell to be president.

I just didn’t want to get out there anymore; I didn’t want to get back into what I call ‚the swamp.‘ And the other reason why is I don’t think it’s good for the presidency for a former president to be opining about his successor. President Obama’s got plenty of critics – and I’m just not gonna be one.

There has come into being a kind of a Shia belt from Tehran through Baghdad to Beirut. And this gives Iran the opportunity to reconstruct the ancient Persian Empire – this time under the Shia label.

The purpose of separation of church and state is to keep forever from these shores the ceaseless strife that has soaked the soil of Europe with blood for centuries.

Real politics are the possession and distribution of power.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Remember, it is not about voting for the perfect candidate – there is no such thing. Presidents are human.

We have the best government that money can buy.

I am an anarchist in politics and an impressionist in art as well as a symbolist in literature. Not that I understand what these terms mean, but I take them to be all merely synonyms of pessimist.

That our government should have been maintained in its original form from its establishment until now is not much to be wondered at. It had many props to support it through that period, which now are decayed and crumbled away. Through that period, it was felt by all to be an undecided experiment; now, it is understood to be a successful one.

I’m the president of the United States. I’m not the emperor of the United States.

When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.

The fact is that we would have had comprehensive health care now, had it not been for Ted Kennedy’s deliberately blocking the legislation that I proposed in 1978 or ’79.

Which government is the best? The one that teaches us to govern ourselves.

I’m substantially concerned about the policy directions of the space agency. We have a situation in the U.S. where the White House and Congress are at odds over what the future direction should be. They’re sort of playing a game and NASA is the shuttlecock that they’re hitting back and forth.

The Cuban model doesn’t even work for us anymore.

The Constitution preserves the advantage of being armed which Americans possess over the people of almost every other nation where the governments are afraid to trust the people with arms.

Ronald Reagan used to alarm his Soviet counterparts by saying that surely they’d both unite against an invasion from Mars.

I am opposed to the accumulation of executive power anywhere.

You can’t be in politics unless you can walk in a room and know in a minute who’s for you and who’s against you.

I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them.

A gaffe in Washington is someone telling the truth, and telling the truth has never hurt me.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Not only our future economic soundness but the very soundness of our democratic institutions depends on the determination of our government to give employment to idle men.

If I don’t run for president, we’ll all be OK.

Unless your government is respectable, foreigners will invade your rights; and to maintain tranquillity, it must be respectable – even to observe neutrality, you must have a strong government.

I pay attention to politics and technology.

Magnanimity in politics is not seldom the truest wisdom; and a great empire and little minds go ill together.

Trump is a national disgrace and an international pariah.

Nixon is one of the few in the history of this country to run for high office talking out of both sides of his mouth at the same time and lying out of both sides.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

I do not believe that government should be in the business of telling women what they should do with their bodies.

Taxation is just a sophisticated way of demanding money with menaces.

Experience hath shewn, that even under the best forms of government those entrusted with power have, in time, and by slow operations, perverted it into tyranny.

Everything is political. I will never be a politician or even think political. Me just deal with life and nature. That is the greatest thing to me.

How can a president not be an actor?

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

I became an actress because my mom wanted me to become an actress. It took me until my mid-30s to realize I actually didn’t. I actually wanted to write and direct and be more involved in politics and humanitarian issues.

Brad will tell you. He puts a movie on, I’m asleep in 10 minutes. I have no patience. But the kids love action movies with comedy, Jackie Chan and all that.

Ronald Reagan used to alarm other constituencies by speaking freely about the End Times foreshadowed in the Bible.

When the President does it, that means that it’s not illegal.

I think I was identified as a failed president because I wasn’t re-elected.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.

The republican is the only form of government which is not eternally at open or secret war with the rights of mankind.

Remember, no one decides who they’re going to vote for based on the vice president. I mean that literally.

I am not a crook.

Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

We Conservatives hate unemployment.

Politics, according to the Social Doctrine of the Church, is one of the highest forms of charity, because it serves the common good. I cannot wash my hands, eh? We all have to give something!

I think that people want peace so much that one of these days government had better get out of their way and let them have it.

Good governance with good intentions is the hallmark of our government. Implementation with integrity is our core passion.

The art of government is the organisation of idolatry.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.