A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.
Ernest HemingwayOnly kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘
Mark TwainObama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.
Mr. TLaughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.
Kurt VonnegutWho in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Erma BombeckI don’t think comedy will ever die.
Kevin HartI want more of my favorite artists or more of the guy that makes the anthems. I want more.
DJ KhaledI don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.
Kevin HartI don’t want people at my shows to come out and say, ‚I just saw a cool show.‘ I want them to say, ‚I had fun at the show.‘ I want it to be a collaborative thing and be part of the audience and have them be part of me. I try to interact with everyone there and have them be equal to me because they are.
Billie EilishThe funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘
Richard BransonI never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘
Steven WrightWhen I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven WrightHumor is mankind’s greatest blessing.
Mark TwainJoe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.
Muhammad AliWhenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.
Harry S. TrumanOne of the things you’re doing when you make art, apart from entertaining yourself and other people, is trying to see what ways of working feel good, what feels right.
Brian EnoIt is more fitting for a man to laugh at life than to lament over it.
Lucius Annaeus SenecaJesters do often prove prophets.
Joseph AddisonIf you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody AllenYou know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George CarlinSuppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Mark TwainPerhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter.
Friedrich NietzscheScience never makes things that do not have to do with what we feel, by which I mean what we want and what we fear.
Margaret AtwoodDo you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.
Erma BombeckMy music is a luxury.
Lana Del ReyCircumstances are beyond human control, but our conduct is in our own power.
Benjamin DisraeliThere is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry SeinfeldBe careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark TwainOf course, it does depend on the people, but sometimes I’m invited places to kind of brighten up a dinner table like a musician who’ll play the piano after dinner, and I know you’re not really invited for yourself. You’re just an ornament.
Marilyn MonroeMarriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.
Abraham LincolnI have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
Jimmy CarterI met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.
Steve JobsThe secret to humor is surprise.
AristotleA child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho MarxI have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.
Harry S. TrumanOne may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring.
H. L. MenckenI was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven WrightI take a lot of pride in the work I do, because people pay to see me. They’ve got to get babysitters, park their car, get popcorn and candy. I’ve got to be conscious of that.
Mr. TMovies are fun, but they are no cure for cancer.
Clint EastwoodThe difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.
Benjamin DisraeliWhoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho MarxFrazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.
Muhammad AliBrad will tell you. He puts a movie on, I’m asleep in 10 minutes. I have no patience. But the kids love action movies with comedy, Jackie Chan and all that.
Angelina JolieWhen people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.
Walt DisneyI was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
Erma BombeckThe great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!
Angelina JolieI’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!
Audrey HepburnI am a giant proponent of giant screens. But I accept the fact that most of my movies are going to be seen on phones.
George LucasThere’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.
Clint EastwoodI like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.
Taylor SwiftWhen they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘
Theodore RooseveltMy son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.
Kevin HartMy luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Woody AllenYou make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.
Dr. SeussMy kids are the funniest two human beings there are.
Kevin HartI confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.
H. L. MenckenI’m Mickey Mouse. They don’t know who’s inside the suit.
Keanu ReevesThe only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.
Eleanor RooseveltI sell escapism.
Jimmy BuffettWrestling was like stand-up comedy for me. Every night I had a live audience of 25,000 people to win over. My goal was never to be the loudest or the craziest. It was to be the most entertaining.
Dwayne Johnson