I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

It was a privilege to pray with Governor Romney – for his family and our country.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

One hearty laugh together will bring enemies into a closer communion of heart than hours spent on both sides in inward wrestling with the mental demon of uncharitable feeling.

I grew up in a funny way.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

My religion teaches me that whenever there is distress which one cannot remove, one must fast and pray.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

If you believe in prayer at all, expect God to hear you. If you do not expect, you will not have. God will not hear you unless you believe He will hear you; but if you believe He will, He will be as good as your faith.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

A Christian who does not pray for those who govern is not a good Christian.

All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired.

I ask you to judge me by the enemies I have made.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

All I know is that, thanks to a sort of habit which has always been ingrained in me, I have never, at any moment of my life, experienced the least difficulty in addressing myself to God as to a supreme Someone.

God’s angels often protect his servants from potential enemies.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

It’s always interesting about God because it’s like all of the religions in the world say that they pray to the same God, and yet they ask that same one God to divide itself up and agree with this one and fight against that one.

A flippant, frivolous man may ridicule others, may controvert them, scorn them; but he who has any respect for himself seems to have renounced the right of thinking meanly of others.

I don’t think you should spend your life praying for things, but I do believe you should thank God for what He’s given you… but I think the scripture teaches us that we can pray for our dreams, pray for the big things… he’s not a small God; this God is incredible.

Sadat was a great and good man, and his most bitter and dangerous enemies were people who were obsessed with hatred for his peaceful goals.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

The French complain of everything, and always.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

The relationship to one’s fellow man is the relationship of prayer, the relationship to oneself is the relationship of striving; it is from prayer that one draws the strength for one’s striving.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

In our home there was always prayer – aloud, proud and unapologetic.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

Wit is educated insolence.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

The fewer the words, the better the prayer.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.