Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

I won’t eat anything green.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.

Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism, are all very good words for the lips.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‚You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.‘

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

In most communities it is illegal to cry ‚fire‘ in a crowded assembly. Should it not be considered serious international misconduct to manufacture a general war scare in an effort to achieve local political aims?

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

This above all; to thine own self be true.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

Some people wanted champagne and caviar when they should have had beer and hot dogs.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

What is past is prologue.

I’m very type-A, and many things in my life are about control and domination, but eating should be a submissive experience, where you let down your guard and enjoy the ride.

Facts are to the mind what food is to the body.

I think I have always had a little humor.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Nothing is more terrible than to see ignorance in action.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Fame is a fickle food upon a shifting plate.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

I bear a charmed life.

After a hard day of basic training, you could eat a rattlesnake.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

‚Tis education forms the common mind; just as the twig is bent the tree’s inclined.