True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

A person once asked me, in a provocative manner, if I approved of homosexuality. I replied with another question: ‚Tell me: when God looks at a gay person, does he endorse the existence of this person with love, or reject and condemn this person?‘ We must always consider the person.

Stand-up is my baby.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

It is the heart always that sees, before the head can see.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

Good planning is important. I’ve also regarded a sense of humor as one of the most important things on a big expedition. When you’re in a difficult or dangerous situation, or when you’re depressed about the chances of success, someone who can make you laugh eases the tension.

To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

There’s love, and certainly children you care about more than yourself. But nevertheless, we’re alone in our heads.

We want our marriage to be a triumph, not a tragedy.

No one is a friend to his friend who does not love in return.

Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do… but how much love we put in that action.

It’s hard for anybody who’s been with me not to feel starved for affection when I’m making love to my ideas. Maybe it’s not meant for me to settle down and be married.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

I love those who yearn for the impossible.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

Love is about mutual respect, apart from attraction.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

We’re not trying to make you less of a man. We just want you to love us as deeply and as wholesomely and as fully as we love you.

I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality… I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

The male, for all his bravado and exploration, is the loyal one, the one who generally feels love. The female is skilled at betrayal and torture and damnation.

The true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love. It is impossible to think of a genuine revolutionary lacking this quality.

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

The knowledge of God is very far from the love of Him.

Sometimes I think my husband is so amazing that I don’t know why he’s with me. I don’t know whether I’m good enough. But if I make him happy, then I’m everything I want to be.

Heavenly Father loves every one of His children. After all, He is their Father.

They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.

Faith, there hath been many great men that have flattered the people who ne’er loved them.

Love is the missing factor; there is a lack of affection, of warmth in relationship; and because we lack that love, that tenderness, that generosity, that mercy in relationship, we escape into mass action, which produces further confusion, further misery.

I wish people would love everybody else the way they love me. It would be a better world.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore; only the life I have lived. The pain now is part of the happiness then.

I always wanted to be a father and thought it would be great, but it just took the right woman and the right time to make it all happen.

How much better it would be if all could be more aware of God’s providence and love and express that gratitude to Him.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

I knew I was blessed with a gift of having both parents.

We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love – first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage.

That is what fame is, isn’t it? To get the world to fall in love with you.

A lot of the time when I write about the person that I love, I feel like I’m writing about New York.

Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love.

For what is love itself, for the one we love best? An enfolding of immeasurable cares which yet are better than any joys outside our love.

Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy.

Choose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Irrespective of age, we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

I’ve never had a dislike for men. I’ve been badly treated by some. But I’ve been loved greatly by some. I married a lot of them.

I like my body when it is with your body. It is so quite new a thing. Muscles better and nerves more.

I am more afraid of my own heart than of the pope and all his cardinals. I have within me the great pope, Self.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.