There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

We must not reduce the bosom of the universal church to a nest protecting our mediocrity.

In Buddhist culture, offering food to the monk symbolizes the action of goodness, and if you have no opportunity to support the practice of spirituality, then you are somehow left in the realm of darkness.

I’m working at trying to be a Christian, and that’s serious business. It’s like trying to be a good Jew, a good Muslim, a good Buddhist, a good Shintoist, a good Zoroastrian, a good friend, a good lover, a good mother, a good buddy – it’s serious business.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

‚God‘ is a relative word and has a respect to servants, and ‚Deity‘ is the dominion of God, not over his own body, as those imagine who fancy God to be the soul of the world, but over servants.

In a way, the whole tangible universe itself is a vast residue, a skeleton of countless lives that have germinated in it and have left it, leaving behind them only a trifling, infinitesimal part of their riches.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

I’m honest enough to say I don’t know everything. You know, I don’t. I don’t understand all of God. I don’t understand, you know, some kind of why bad things happen.

The world is so unpredictable. Things happen suddenly, unexpectedly. We want to feel we are in control of our own existence. In some ways we are, in some ways we’re not. We are ruled by the forces of chance and coincidence.

I think that is a better thing than thanksgiving: thanks-living. How is this to be done? By a general cheerfulness of manner, by an obedience to the command of Him by whose mercy we live, by a perpetual, constant delighting of ourselves in the Lord, and by a submission of our desires to His will.

Every natural object is a conductor of divinity and only by coming into contact with them… may we be filled with the Holy Ghost.

Morality is of the highest importance – but for us, not for God.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

Day by day we should weigh what we have granted to the spirit of the world against what we have denied to the spirit of Jesus, in thought and especially in deed.

There have been times that I’ve wept as I’ve gone from city to city and I’ve seen how far people have wandered from God.

When we trust God more than our feelings, it confuses the devil. I mean, when he throws you his best shot and he can’t budge you from believing God, he won’t know what to do with you anymore.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

If God is just, I tremble for my country.

Unbeing dead isn’t being alive.

The irrationality of a thing is no argument against its existence, rather a condition of it.

I’m in awe of the universe, but I don’t necessarily believe there’s an intelligence or agent behind it. I do have a passion for the visual in religious rituals, though, even though they may be completely empty and bereft of substance. The incense is powerful and provocative, whether Buddhist or Catholic.

Wit is educated insolence.

God is, even though the whole world deny him. Truth stands, even if there be no public support. It is self-sustained.

When we go to the Bible we should keep in mind that the basic principles of the Bible are taught by God, but written down by human beings deprived of modern day knowledge. So there is some fallibility in the writings of the Bible. But the basic principles are applicable to my life and I don’t find any conflict among them.

Today I love myself as I love my god: who could charge me with a sin today? I know only sins against my god; but who knows my god?

You can have religion with spirituality. You can also have religion without spirituality.

Young men and women, your education is ever important – to us, to you, and to God.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable.

God is not so wary as we, else He would give us no friends, lest we forget Him! The charms of the heaven in the bush are superseded, I fear, by the heaven in the hand, occasionally.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

I don’t think there’s anyone who would say they don’t want or need more of God’s power in their life.

People define Christianity differently. I think a large portion of our population are Christians, they’re not all growing in their faith, they’re not all active, but I believe that a lot of people believe in Jesus and believe that he is their Lord and Savior.

Changing is not just changing the things outside of us. First of all we need the right view that transcends all notions including of being and non-being, creator and creature, mind and spirit. That kind of insight is crucial for transformation and healing.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

When trying to remember my share in the glow of the eternal present, in the smile of God, I return to my childhood, too, for that is where the most significant discoveries turn up.

You will never exaggerate when you speak good things of God. It is not possible to do so. Try, dear brethren, and boast in the Lord.

Death is no more than passing from one room into another. But there’s a difference for me, you know. Because in that other room I shall be able to see.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

Learning is the beginning of wealth. Learning is the beginning of health. Learning is the beginning of spirituality. Searching and learning is where the miracle process all begins.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

You’re born. You suffer. You die. Fortunately, there’s a loophole.

The truth is that you can only come to know God when you give up the past and the future in your mind and merge totally into the now, because God is always here now.

Truth is a pathless land.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

I have been chosen by God Almighty to be one of his messengers.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

After it is all over, the religion of man is his most important possession.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Let us more and more insist on raising funds of love, of kindness, of understanding, of peace. Money will come if we seek first the Kingdom of God – the rest will be given.