I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.