A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Really, I don’t like roller coasters.

When I was 16… I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because… they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

I had the classic 40 meltdown. I did. It’s embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

It’s a funny old world.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

The only thing I’m afraid of is bees. I don’t like bees. I’m allergic to them.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

I’m attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn’t that what attracts anyone?

Dread of night. Dread of not-night.

I’m always worried about everything. Like spiders.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

Nothing scares me more than people with some doll collection.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

I’ve had a lot of ridiculous haircuts.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I’m kind of claustrophobic… It’s not even like enclosed spaces. It’s like I hate being stuck in one band, you know? Just being stuck is the biggest drag, for fear that, you know, just that you can’t get out.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

Human beings are the only animals of which I am thoroughly and cravenly afraid.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.