Stand-up comedy is mine: it’s my entity; it’s my brand; I own it. I do it when I want to do it.
Kevin HartWhen the first big paycheque with ‚Dumb And Dumber‘ hit, I went: ‚Gosh, I wonder if this will affect my performance. Will I do a take and think, was that worth $7 million?‘ But that never happened. If anything, it made me rebel against that thing when people who get rich start playing it safe.
Jim CarreyMy mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.
Steven WrightNothing stands out so conspicuously, or remains so firmly fixed in the memory, as something which you have blundered.
Marcus Tullius CiceroI remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?
J. K. RowlingWe do not know where to look, or what to look for, when something is memorized. We do not know what it means, or what change there is in the nervous system, when a fact is learned. This is a very important problem which has not been solved at all.
Richard P. FeynmanI come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Erma BombeckI wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven WrightHave you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George CarlinMarch is a month without mercy for rabid basketball fans. There is no such thing as a ‚gentleman gambler‘ when the Big Dance rolls around. All sheep will be fleeced, all fools will be punished severely… There are no Rules when the deal goes down in the final weeks of March. Even your good friends will turn into monsters.
Hunter S. ThompsonBachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
Samuel JohnsonNobody is forgotten when it is convenient to remember him.
Benjamin DisraeliThe sons of Judah have to choose that God may again choose them. The divine principle of our race is action, choice, resolved memory.
George EliotYou know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven WrightThere was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘
Jim CarreyEveryone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.
Maya AngelouWe are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Will RogersI have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.
VoltaireThe middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.
J. K. RowlingA lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.
EminemIt’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
Ronald ReaganMy recollection is – and I’d have to confirm this – but I don’t recall paying any money to go to law school.
Joe BidenI have an excellent memory, a most excellent memory.
Bill GatesI’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.
Ray BradburyGood jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.
Steven WrightGod is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
H. L. MenckenEverybody asks if putting is like shooting free throws. It has a very similar kind of mindset. And it’s just you, the ball, and the target.
Stephen CurryDo you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven WrightA man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
H. L. MenckenPeople want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.
Stephen KingMemory is the treasury and guardian of all things.
Marcus Tullius CiceroHistorically, the stuff of the universe goes on becoming concentrated into ever more organized forms of matter.
Pierre Teilhard de ChardinI know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.
Jurgen KloppIt’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.
Will RogersA lot of truth is said in jest.
EminemThere is no memory or retentive faculty based on lasting impression. What we designate as memory is but increased responsiveness to repeated stimuli.
Nikola TeslaBut there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.
Ronald ReaganI have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
Winston ChurchillIf you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
Mark TwainStanding ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George CarlinMy success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.
Kevin HartI just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.
Kamala HarrisMen don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry SeinfeldEight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.
Terry PratchettNever accept a drink from a urologist.
Erma BombeckDifferent taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
George EliotA politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.
E. E. CummingsHumor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.
Virginia WoolfHumor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.
Thomas CarlyleSo many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?
Tom BradyI pray while driving. I pray while working, and while relaxing.
Joyce MeyerIs life worth living? It all depends on the liver.
William JamesI wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.
Benjamin FranklinIf I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
Will RogersStand-up is my baby.
Kevin HartIf every day you practice walking and sitting meditation and generate the energy of mindfulness and concentration and peace, you are a cell in the body of the new Buddha. This is not a dream but is possible today and tomorrow.
Thich Nhat HanhMemory is deceptive because it is colored by today’s events.
Albert EinsteinA man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho MarxI’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Groucho MarxI make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.
Bob Uecker