It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
Ronald ReaganOnly two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
Lyndon B. JohnsonThere is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.
Henry David ThoreauA lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.
EminemTo hold an idea and convince ourselves we arrived at it rationally, we go in search of evidence to support our view.
Robert GreeneI bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘
Will RogersI try to be funny and not ignorant.
Kevin HartThe two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.
Kevin HartFor my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven WrightI laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.
Steven WrightEither he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho MarxDon’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
George CarlinI look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.
Dolly PartonFlying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Douglas AdamsThe greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
Jerry SeinfeldI was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
Erma BombeckBut there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.
Ronald ReaganI am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.
Dolly PartonThe only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.
Eleanor RooseveltWhere the senses fail us, reason must step in.
Galileo GalileiThere is no logical way to the discovery of these elemental laws. There is only the way of intuition, which is helped by a feeling for the order lying behind the appearance.
Albert EinsteinIf you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven WrightOutside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
Groucho MarxA man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
Ernest HemingwayBehind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim CarreyA politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.
E. E. CummingsMy way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.
Muhammad AliI told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups.
Arnold SchwarzeneggerI like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.
Taylor SwiftI remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.
Taylor SwiftBelieve it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.
Kevin HartIf you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.
Maya AngelouWhy would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.
Erma BombeckIn Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody AllenI just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.
Kamala HarrisI do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.
Terry PratchettIn this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
H. L. MenckenIs everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.
Kevin HartI take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny YoungmanIf you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.
Marilyn MonroeMy philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.
Dwayne JohnsonI think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘
Terry PratchettAn idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
H. L. MenckenSome sarcasm is best told simply.
Kevin HartNever accept a drink from a urologist.
Erma BombeckI’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.
Ernest HemingwayDo you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.
Erma BombeckI love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.
Kevin HartWhy should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!
George Bernard ShawYou can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.
Anthony BourdainIf you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.
Dwayne JohnsonIf you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody AllenIt’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody AllenI know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.
Dolly PartonA child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho MarxI’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
Groucho MarxOnly one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.
Steven WrightI don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.
Adam SandlerI believe that singing is the key to long life, a good figure, a stable temperament, increased intelligence, new friends, super self-confidence, heightened sexual attractiveness, and a better sense of humor.
Brian EnoSince the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.
Anthony Bourdain