Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Stand-up is hard.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

However far back I go into my childhood, nothing seems to me more characteristic of, or more familiar in, my interior economy than the appetite or irresistible demand for some ‚Unique all-sufficing and necessary reality.‘

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

In the end, everything is a gag.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Tokyo would probably be the foreign city if I had to eat one city’s food for the rest of my life, every day. It would have to be Tokyo, and I think the majority of chefs you ask that question would answer the same way.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

We never repent of having eaten too little.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Take my wife… Please!

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

Context and memory play powerful roles in all the truly great meals in one’s life.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I hid myself in food.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

To eat is to appropriate by destruction.

I would say there are some foods that I strongly recommend that you do not eat. No. 1 on that list, I believe, is doughnuts. Comfort food. Zero value. Don’t eat them.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

I’m very type-A, and many things in my life are about control and domination, but eating should be a submissive experience, where you let down your guard and enjoy the ride.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

I’m a fry lover.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.