My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

When you have got an elephant by the hind legs and he is trying to run away, it’s best to let him run.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

It’s a funny old world.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

The woman that deliberates is lost.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

If we open a quarrel between past and present, we shall find that we have lost the future.

If I ever felt like I was getting lost in the hurricane that was storming around Nirvana, I’d just go back to Virginia.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

The astronomer will believe that the most erratic comet will yet accomplish its journey and revisit our sphere; but we give up those for lost who have not wandered one-half the distance from the centre of light and life.

I have my favorite cat, who is my paperweight, on my desk while I am writing.

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

Some kinds of animals burrow in the ground; others do not. Some animals are nocturnal, as the owl and the bat; others use the hours of daylight. There are tame animals and wild animals. Man and the mule are always tame; the leopard and the wolf are invariably wild, and others, as the elephant, are easily tamed.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

When I moved out, my mom and dad came to help me get settled into my apartment – a place I ultimately got hooked up with in Coach Nelson’s building. We had to figure out how to get all my shoes over here. That was a little stressful.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

The virtues are lost in self-interest as rivers are lost in the sea.

I told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups.

A child miseducated is a child lost.

Some animals are cunning and evil-disposed, as the fox; others, as the dog, are fierce, friendly, and fawning. Some are gentle and easily tamed, as the elephant; some are susceptible of shame, and watchful, as the goose. Some are jealous and fond of ornament, as the peacock.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

He is lost who is possessed by carnal desire.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

My connection with Brazil is so abstract. My blood and my way of thinking is Brazilian, but that’s it. I don’t tend to go back to the past, and although I have an apartment there, I rarely visit. When I move, I really move.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.