You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Of course, I do everything for money.

There are people who have money and people who are rich.

The true art of memory is the art of attention.

The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

Old is authentic. Old is genuine. Old is valuable.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

What is my life if I am no longer useful to others.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

It’s rare for anyone to value the opinions of a teenage girl.

There is no logical way to the discovery of these elemental laws. There is only the way of intuition, which is helped by a feeling for the order lying behind the appearance.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Money is usually attracted, not pursued.

My share of the work may be limited, but the fact that it is work makes it precious.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

God wants us to prosper financially, to have plenty of money, to fulfill the destiny He has laid out for us.

Liking money like I like it, is nothing less than mysticism. Money is a glory.

Of course, to have money is just great because you can do what you think is important to you.

It is a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

My family didn’t have a lot of money, so I worked my heart out to get my degrees. But the minute I graduated, suddenly everyone was asking me, ‚Well, when are you going to get married and start having kids?‘ And the truth is I had no idea how I would balance the expected role of wife and mother with a challenging career.

When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

As everything becomes digitized, there’s the idea that things that can’t be digitized become more valuable.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

We do not hate as long as we still attach a lesser value, but only when we attach an equal or a greater value.

The money can be a hindrance to someone like me because the danger is that you start thinking, ‚Is that a $20 million take?‘ That kind of thing, and being self-critical.

If a subject excites us, if it stirs our deepest curiosity, or if we have to learn because the stakes are high, we pay much more attention. What we absorb sinks in.

Stand-up is hard.

The one thing that ‚Via Dolorosa‘ has is no opinions. To me, curiosity is 50 times as valuable as opinion.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

Between falsehood and useless truth there is little difference. As gold which he cannot spend will make no man rich, so knowledge which cannot apply will make no man wise.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

My dream is to be World Lightweight Champion in the UFC. Have more money than I know what to do with. And have a great life for my kids, grandkids, and everyone in my family.

You lose your individuality a huge amount when you have no money, and I certainly had that experience.

I don’t really read a lot of newspapers. I don’t pay attention to what is being said or written about me. I’ve had lots of experiences in the past when I got too much into it. That sort of diverts your focus.

The eye sees what it brings the power to see.

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.

It is an unfortunate human failing that a full pocketbook often groans more loudly than an empty stomach.

Like anything else that happens on its own, the act of writing is beyond currency. Money is great stuff to have, but when it comes to the act of creation, the best thing is not to think of money too much. It constipates the whole process.

Value is what you get.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

I hate to be smart.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.