But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

When my first semester grades came out, my mom and dad told me I wouldn’t be playing football.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job.

As president, Reagan worked very well with Democrats to do big things. It is true that he worked to reduce the size of government and cut federal taxes and he eliminated many regulations, but he also raised taxes when necessary.

My folks ain’t graduated from high school or nothing like that, so we always had to struggle in the family – and I come from a big family.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

Stand-up is my baby.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

You must pursue this investigation of Watergate even if it leads to the president. I’m innocent. You’ve got to believe I’m innocent. If you don’t, take my job.

I want a president who will teach our children that everyone in this country matters, a president who truly believes in the vision that our Founders put forth all those years ago that we are all created equal, each a beloved part of the great American story.

The government, whether state or central, is elected. That means we have a responsibility to elect the right kind of leaders.

When I first stopped going to high school, I was about 15, 16. It had to be, like, 2000, 2001.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

Whenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.

I neither will aspire to nor will I accept, the position of president of the council of state and commander in chief.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

In the end, everything is a gag.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Winning the election is a good-news, bad-news kind of thing. Okay, now you’re the mayor. The bad news is, now you’re the mayor.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

The President is always abused. If he isn’t, he isn’t doing anything.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Remember, no one decides who they’re going to vote for based on the vice president. I mean that literally.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

As I have done in every election since I started voting so many years ago, I always like to take my time and examine the two candidates, see not only the two candidates but the policies they will bring in, the people they will bring in, who they might appoint to the Supreme Court, and look at the whole range of issues before making a decision.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

There’s no doubt that usually a president’s public image is enhanced by going to war. That never did appeal to me.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

Even in high school I was very interested in history – why people do the things they do. As a kid I spent a lot of time trying to relate the past to the present.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

I’ve seen how the issues that come across a president’s desk are always the hard ones – the problems where no amount of data or numbers will get you to the right answer.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

The President is not only the leader of a party, he is the President of the whole people. He must interpret the conscience of America. He must guide his conduct by the idealism of our people.

There’s always an element of self delusion among people who believe they ought to be President. There’s an underestimation of your opponent and an overestimation of your own abilities. This is compatible with being rich and powerful, the idea that we were blessed by God because we deserve to be blessed.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

As president, I’m committed to making Washington work better and rebuilding the trust of the people who sent us here.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

My favourite president, and the one I admired most, was Harry Truman.

The American people are bigger than any president. I suppose I have faith in my country and in what it is founded on and the values we hold dear.

Let’s face it. No kid in high school feels as though they fit in.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.