The French complain of everything, and always.

I mean, families are weird.

The problem with Yanks is they are wimps.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

A businessman is the only man who is forever apologizing for his occupation.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Here’s the thing. We do a movie with a predominantly black cast, and it’s put in a category of being a black film. When other movies are done with a predominantly white cast, we don’t call them a white film. I’m trying to remove the stigma off things they call black films.

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

Politics is applesauce.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Everybody’s journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Stand-up is my baby.

Watch out for the joy-stealers: gossip, criticism, complaining, faultfinding, and a negative, judgmental attitude.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

A chaplain’s assistant is customarily a figure of fun in the American Army.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

To the women and children, T stands for tender. To the bad guys and thugs, it stands for tough.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I don’t think that women need to smell interesting.