Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

There is little success where there is little laughter.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Prosperity is the blessing of the Old Testament; adversity is the blessing of the New.

Mankind, when left to themselves, are unfit for their own government.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Laughter is one of the very privileges of reason, being confined to the human species.

The more in harmony with yourself you are, the more joyful you are and the more faithful you are. Faith is not to disconnect you from reality – it connects you to reality.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

When will mankind be convinced and agree to settle their difficulties by arbitration?

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

As selfishness and complaint pervert the mind, so love with its joy clears and sharpens the vision.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Each time we cooperate with God, we take one more giant step forward. Because when God asks us to change, it means that He always has something better to give us – more freedom, greater joy, and greater blessings.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

Stand-up is hard.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

One should take good care not to grow too wise for so great a pleasure of life as laughter.

If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

Joy in looking and comprehending is nature’s most beautiful gift.

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.