I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

Funny thing is that the poorer people are, the more generous they seem to be.

Women have no sympathy and my experience of women is almost as large as Europe.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

I don’t have this feeling that 70 is really old.

It takes more than just a good looking body. You’ve got to have the heart and soul to go with it.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

I don’t care if people think I am an overactor, as long as they enjoy what I do. People who think that would call Van Gogh an overpainter.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

When someone bestows something on you, no matter how true it is, when someone says, ‚Sexiest Man Alive,‘ I’m honestly going, ‚Thank you. Right on.‘ For me, it’s never canceled out anything, it’s never made me go, ‚Does this make me less talented of an actor?‘

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If he did, he would cease to be an artist.

It’s hard to be humble, when you’re as great as I am.

Before the effect one believes in different causes than one does after the effect.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

The vulgar man is always the most distinguished, for the very desire to be distinguished is vulgar.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

It generally happens that assurance keeps an even pace with ability.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

We awaken in others the same attitude of mind we hold toward them.

I mean, if you didn’t get it or if you didn’t feel like you enjoyed it, sometimes that experience can change.

Fiction is like a spider’s web, attached ever so slightly perhaps, but still attached to life at all four corners. Often the attachment is scarcely perceptible.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Seeing myself on the screen makes me cringe. I understand that I am that way – pouty.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals. And so when I hear about negative and false attacks, I really don’t invest any energy in them, because I know who I am.

It was clear to me that if I could get through Princeton at the top of my class, I could do anything in the world.

Literature is strewn with the wreckage of men who have minded beyond reason the opinions of others.

I learned a long time ago the wisest thing I can do is be on my own side, be an advocate for myself and others like me.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

I go down the street, people see me: ‚Hey, I pity-‚ right on, man, that’s a compliment to me.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

I was ill, and everyone could see it but me.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

You can do what you have to do, and sometimes you can do it even better than you think you can.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don’t need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

I know I’m stronger in the songs than I really am. Sometimes I need to hear it myself. We all need to hear those empowering songs to remind us.

The more you are talked about the less powerful you are.

I think that I’m perfect.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

The advice that is wanted is commonly not welcome and that which is not wanted, evidently an effrontery.

Considering their impact, you might expect mosquitoes to get more attention than they do. Sharks kill fewer than a dozen people every year, and in the U.S. they get a week dedicated to them on TV every year.

The thing about delirium is you think it’s great, but it actually isn’t.

Because of its phantom nature, and despite elaborate defense mechanisms, the ego is very vulnerable and insecure, and it sees itself as constantly under threat. This, by the way, is the case even if the ego is outwardly very confident.

I want kids to know: Don’t wait for somebody to come along and tell you you’re special. Because that may never happen.