I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

I do love email. Wherever possible I try to communicate asynchronously. I’m really good at email.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

In the normal flow of a conversation, our attention is divided. We hear parts of what other people are saying, in order to follow and keep the conversation going. At the same time, we’re planning what we’ll say next, some exciting story of our own.

Music helps me tell my story. That’s where I can really be heard. But there’s so much focus on the things that aren’t music.

If you’re yelling you’re the one who’s lost control of the conversation.

Facebook are an amazing team, a brilliant team. It’s a technology that brings people together.

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.

If I have something to say, I want it to be meaningful.

This younger generation that’s around, that’s tweeting, Facebooking and Vine-ing, the fans appreciate that because they feel like they can get to you.

The secret to the movie business, or any business, is to get a good education in a subject besides film – whether it’s history, psychology, economics, or architecture – so you have something to make a movie about. All the skill in the world isn’t going to help you unless you have something to say.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

Prayer is simply a two-way conversation between you and God.

Throughout my career, I fed off the fuel of people not being able to understand me.

The problem with having a sense of humor is often that people you use it on aren’t in a very good mood.

You could imagine a language exactly like English except it doesn’t have connectives like ‚and‘ that allow you to make longer expressions. An infant learning truncated English would have no idea about this: They would just pick it up as they would standard English.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

There is no waste of time in life like that of making explanations.

Truthful words are not beautiful; beautiful words are not truthful. Good words are not persuasive; persuasive words are not good.

Who you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.

When I am getting ready to reason with a man, I spend one-third of my time thinking about myself and what I am going to say and two-thirds about him and what he is going to say.

Woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.

In the end, everything is a gag.

Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will.

Never be so brief as to become obscure.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

When people are connected, we can just do some great things. They have the opportunity to get access to jobs, education, health, communications. We have the opportunity to bring the people we care about closer to us. It really makes a big difference.

Extremely religious, legalistic people have a criticism or judgment about everyone and everything. They just have a way of bringing people down with what they say.

The PC has improved the world in just about every area you can think of. Amazing developments in communications, collaboration and efficiencies. New kinds of entertainment and social media. Access to information and the ability to give a voice people who would never have been heard.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

If you want to influence people, you want them to accept your suggestions, you don’t say, ‚You don’t know how to use the English language,‘ or ‚How could you make that argument?‘ It will be welcomed much more if you have a gentle touch than if you are aggressive.

He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declared aims, one turns, as it were, instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish squirting out ink.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

I mean, we’ve built a lot of products that we think are good, and will help people share photos and share videos and write messages to each other. But it’s really all about how people are spreading Facebook around the world in all these different countries. And that’s what’s so amazing about the scale that it’s at today.

We live in an image society. Speeches are not what anybody cares about; what they care about is the picture.

There are many times when a woman will ask another girl friend how she likes her new hat. She will reply, ‚Fine,‘ but slap her hand to her forehead the minute the girl leaves to yipe, ‚What a horror!‘

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

A good leader can engage in a debate frankly and thoroughly, knowing that at the end he and the other side must be closer, and thus emerge stronger. You don’t have that idea when you are arrogant, superficial, and uninformed.

Better understated than overstated. Let people be surprised that it was more than you promised and easier than you said.

To be sure I must; and therefore I may assume that your silence gives consent.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings – words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out.