Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete realization that loving yourself is impossible without loving everything defined as other than yourself.

To hold a man down, you have to stay down with him.

Most negotiators are trying to get their way.

Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore; only the life I have lived. The pain now is part of the happiness then.

The best morale exist when you never hear the word mentioned. When you hear a lot of talk about it, it’s usually lousy.

He who speaks without modesty will find it difficult to make his words good.

Ever since I dated a woman, I know what it is to grab a curve on a woman’s body. Skinny’s not fine when the lights are low.

For me, however, that beloved, glowing little word happiness has become associated with everything I have felt since childhood upon hearing the sound of the word itself.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

I think everyone should approach relationships from the perspective of playing it straight and giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Until he establishes that this is a game. And if it’s a game, you need to win. The best thing to do is just walk away from the table.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

Who, being loved, is poor?

I’m just a friendly person; that runs in my family.

I know I’m talented, but I wasn’t put here to sing. I was put here to be a wife and a mom and look after my family. I love what I do, but it’s not where it begins and ends.

Every once in a while, you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You can’t do that. It’s gone, gone forever.

Give a little love to a child, and you get a great deal back.

Words are more treacherous and powerful than we think.

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get.

When I look at public opinion, I’m not far out of the mainstream. I’m in it, in many respects. In some respects, public opinion goes beyond anything I’ve ever said.

Friends accept you the way you are.

I like to make people feel happy and superior in their reaction towards my appearance.

In honorable dealing you should consider what you intended, not what you said or thought.

It’s very important to know the neighbor next door and the people down the street and the people in another race.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.

Never find fault with the absent.

I have no faith in human perfectability. I think that human exertion will have no appreciable effect upon humanity. Man is now only more active – not more happy – nor more wise, than he was 6000 years ago.

Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on.

I’d like to think you don’t stop being creative once you get happy. My ultimate goal is to end up being happy. Most of the time.

It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.

Part of me feels you can’t say you were truly in love if it didn’t last. If I end up getting married and having kids, that’s when I’ll know it’s real – because it lasted.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

If you reveal your secrets to the wind, you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.

I meant what I said and I said what I meant.

I am an introvert; privately I am very shy, and I don’t speak unless I have to.

More than anything else, I want the folks back at home to think right of me.

There are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other.

I believe the home and marriage is the foundation of our society and must be protected.

Such a chimerical idea as telegraphing vocal sounds would indeed, to most minds, seem scarcely feasible enough to spend time in working over. I believe, however, that it is feasible and that I have got the cue to the solution of the problem.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

Politicians also have no leisure, because they are always aiming at something beyond political life itself, power and glory, or happiness.

Man and animals are in reality vehicles and conduits of food, tombs of animals, hostels of Death, coverings that consume, deriving life by the death of others.

I come here tonight as a sister, blessed with a brother who is my mentor, my protector and my lifelong friend. And I come here as a wife who loves my husband and believes he will be an extraordinary president.

Persuasion is clearly a sort of demonstration, since we are most fully persuaded when we consider a thing to have been demonstrated.

Social media has given us this idea that we should all have a posse of friends when in reality, if we have one or two really good friends, we are lucky.

So live with men as if God saw you and speak to God, as if men heard you.

We want everybody to act like adults, quit playing games, realize that it’s not just my way or the highway.

Always remember that others may hate you but those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.

I can’t deal with someone wanting to take a relationship backward or needing space or cheating on you.

Knavery and flattery are blood relations.

No one knows who is listening, say nothing you would not wish put in the newspapers.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

Friendship is but another name for an alliance with the follies and the misfortunes of others. Our own share of miseries is sufficient: why enter then as volunteers into those of another?

When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control. Even if you are saying something banal, it will seem original if you make it vague, open-ended, and sphinxlike.

It seems like a lot of people seek their peace in things. And most of us are not even satisfied with the things we have… we always want more.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.