I don’t think comedy will ever die.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

If it’s all instruction, you get annoyed with it and bored, and you stop reading. If it’s all entertainment, you read it quite quickly, your heart going pitty-pat, pitty-pat. But when you finish, that’s it. You’re not going to think about it much afterward, apart from the odd nightmare. You’re not going to read that book again.

I like a drama.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

When I was younger and did a stand-up gig, it would take me two weeks to recover. Sometimes I’d get so panicked that I would stutter.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

Pop music will never be low brow.

I spent much of my childhood in northern Quebec, and often there was no radio, no television – there wasn’t a lot to entertain us. When it rained, I stayed inside reading, writing, drawing.

Wrestling is intimate. You can reach out and touch the wrestlers.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

One of the things you’re doing when you make art, apart from entertaining yourself and other people, is trying to see what ways of working feel good, what feels right.

I’m looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I love Chris Brown. He’s a superstar. He’s one of the best singers out there.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

A lot of critics object to what I do, but I got into comedy to make people laugh, and I’ve always worked hard.

I’m Mickey Mouse. They don’t know who’s inside the suit.

The best book, like the best speech, will do it all – make us laugh, think, cry and cheer – preferably in that order.

I can get where some scientists would say comedians are crazy. What you have to understand: A lot of comedians are dealing with a dark passion. A lot of these are guys coming from a tumultuous life, including myself. Some people need outlets, a way to express yourself.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

I really like children to watch my movies.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.