Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

I never admire another’s fortune so much that I became dissatisfied with my own.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

There are no such things as Flowers there are only gladdened Leaves.

The universe is wider than our views of it.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

Every day that is born into the world comes like a burst of music and rings the whole day through, and you make of it a dance, a dirge, or a life march, as you will.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.

Who is rich? He that rejoices in his portion.

There are no moral phenomena at all, but only a moral interpretation of phenomena.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Truth has rough flavours if we bite it through.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

When someone is impatient and says, ‚I haven’t got all day,‘ I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Life is not living in the suburbs with a white picket fence. That’s not life. Somehow our American culture has made it out that that’s what life needs to be – and that if it’s not that, it’s all screwed up. It’s not.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

When I was 18, I thought that, to be a romantic, you couldn’t live past 30.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn’t feel like a giant. I felt very, very small.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

I’m never a reliable narrator, unbiased or objective.

Is the babe young? When I behold it, it seems more venerable than the oldest man.

I have written too much history to have faith in it; and if anyone thinks I’m wrong, I am inclined to agree with him.

Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness.

Measure your wealth by what you’d have left if you lost all your money.

In one case out of a hundred a point is excessively discussed because it is obscure; in the ninety-nine remaining it is obscure because it is excessively discussed.

All my life I’ve looked at words as though I were seeing them for the first time.

You’re going to go through tough times – that’s life. But I say, ‚Nothing happens to you, it happens for you.‘ See the positive in negative events.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

The first forty years of life give us the text; the next thirty supply the commentary on it.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

A child thinks 20 shillings and 20 years can scarce ever be spent.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I have been ever of opinion that revolutions are not to be evaded.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

When I see myself as an old woman, I just think about being happy. And hopefully, I’ll still be fly.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

I’m sorry, it’s true. Having children really changes your view on these things. We’re born, we live for a brief instant, and we die. It’s been happening for a long time. Technology is not changing it much – if at all.

Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.

The person who has lived the most is not the one with the most years but the one with the richest experiences.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

The common question that gets asked in business is, ‚why?‘ That’s a good question, but an equally valid question is, ‚why not?‘

Every person takes the limits of their own field of vision for the limits of the world.

In terms of doing work and in terms of learning and evolving as a person, you just grow more when you get more people’s perspectives… I really try and live the mission of the company and… keep everything else in my life extremely simple.

If I make music and people hate it, you know, whatever. I’ll die someday, and one day, they will too.

I was brought up differently than the average American child because the average child is brought up expecting to be happy.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

The way up and the way down are one and the same.