My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

When I was a comic in the 1980s, I was on the road somewhere every day, and I’d get back to the hotel, and it was Carson and Letterman, and I looked forward to that all day.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

According to Lifetime, I don’t know anything about TV.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

Opera happens because a large number of things amazingly fail to go wrong.

My goal is to entertain myself and others.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

SNL is a home. You’ve got all of your brothers and sisters there, and it’s a great time.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Stand-up comedy is mine: it’s my entity; it’s my brand; I own it. I do it when I want to do it.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

I grew up in a funny way.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

Acting is the perfect idiot’s profession.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

I’m all about surprises. If you watch a horror movie, and it’s called ‚Kiss Land,‘ it’s probably going to be the most terrifying thing you’ve ever seen in your life.

I think I have always had a little humor.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

I didn’t have to win, and winning wasn’t important to me. Being world champion wasn’t important to me. What was important to me was entertaining the audience, and whether that meant winning, losing, singing, or whatever it was on the live show we were doing every week, which was awesome, I was game for it.

Movies are a fad. Audiences really want to see live actors on a stage.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

‚Star Wars‘ is fun, its exciting, its inspirational, and people respond to that. It’s what they want.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

I hate to be smart.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

I’d love to go into WWE and have a real knock and see what’s what.