My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

I don’t pick up toys. I crush them.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Let parents bequeath to their children not riches, but the spirit of reverence.

Parentage is a very important profession, but no test of fitness for it is ever imposed in the interest of the children.

He didn’t come out of my belly, but my God, I’ve made his bones, because I’ve attended to every meal, and how he sleeps, and the fact that he swims like a fish because I took him to the ocean. I’m so proud of all those things. But he is my biggest pride.

What life half gives a man, posterity gives entirely.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

The whole commerce between master and slave is a perpetual exercise of the most boisterous passions, the most unremitting despotism on the one part, and degrading submissions on the other. Our children see this, and learn to imitate it.

And I come here as a daughter, raised on the South Side of Chicago – by a father who was a blue-collar city worker and a mother who stayed at home with my brother and me.

My dad had a church of 90 people when I was born. It was just, over the years it continued to grow.

Actors are one family over the entire world.

This healthy eating stuff, it’s here to stay, and we now have everything we need to seize the opportunity and give all our kids the healthy futures they so richly deserve.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

As a father, safety is always a top of mind issue for me.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

I remember my mother’s prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life.

I have a full and satisfying life. My work and my family are very important to me.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

I imagine I will spend my days traveling from country to country to visit our children, who I expect will live around the world.

All my momma’s people were very musical. My grandpa, who was the Pentecostal minister, he was a great musician. He played the fiddle, he played the piano.

If we are to teach real peace in this world, and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with the children.

If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile, and everyone in our family, our entire society, will benefit from our peace.

Traditions are a common part of our lives. They can be good, and not all traditions are wrong, but sometimes they can take the joy out of life.

As a father and now a grandfather to three wonderful grandchildren, I know how magical the first year of a child’s life is but also how much hard work it takes. Being able to spend as much time as possible with your loved ones is absolutely vital, especially early on.

I want parents to teach that academic intelligence is essential, but so is financial intelligence.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

OK, I have a nickname. My family calls me ‚Trey‘ because I’m William the third. My dad has the same name, which is always confusing because my dad is well known, and I’m also known.

I believe that the greatest gift you can give your family and the world is a healthy you.

It takes three to make a child.

I am afraid we must make the world honest before we can honestly say to our children that honesty is the best policy.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

To the women and children, T stands for tender. To the bad guys and thugs, it stands for tough.

I’m sorry, it’s true. Having children really changes your view on these things. We’re born, we live for a brief instant, and we die. It’s been happening for a long time. Technology is not changing it much – if at all.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

Age merely shows what children we remain.

I want to – more than anything – to create a moment that people will never forget. Not for me, but for themselves. That’s what I remember about great Super Bowl performances in the past, when you really get lost in the moment with your family.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

My mom cleaned toilets for a long time, and she’d seen a lot of terrible things, but she was still the strength of our family. And there are women like that all across the country – all around the world – who show that type of fortitude.

We cannot fashion our children after our desires, we must have them and love them as God has given them to us.

I used to live with my grandmother. I used to wonder why the other kids in school went home with their mothers and fathers. I wanted to be the guy that got married. I wanted to be the guy with the children and the white picket fence. I never had that.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

As long as you know men are like children, you know everything!

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?