My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

I don’t pick up toys. I crush them.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

I wasn’t going to shy away from getting married when I did and having a baby young and starting a family, even with the job that I chose.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

I like to think my dad was easygoing and kind, and I think some of those things have been passed down. I am like him in a sense of being positive and hopeful. He was compassionate, and I’ve got a lot of that in me as well.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Children are all foreigners.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Counsel with your parents is a privilege at any age.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

I remember when my mother, Shyamala Harris, bought our first home. I was thirteen. She was so proud, and my sister and I were so excited. Millions of Americans know that feeling of walking through the front door of their own home for the first time – the feeling of reaching for opportunity and finding it.

I mean, I look at my dad. He was twenty when he started having a family, and he was always the coolest dad. He did everything for his kids, and he never made us feel like he was pressured. I know that it must be a great feeling to be a guy like that.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children’s future. And we are all mortal.

I cannot remember a moment in my life when I have not felt the love of my family. We were a family that would have killed for each other – and we still are.

My greatest blessing has been the birth of my son. My next greatest blessing has been my ability to turn people into children of mine.

For me, it’s about the way I carry myself and the way I treat other people. My relationship and how I feel about God and what He does for me, is something deeply personal. It’s where I came from, my family, I was brought up in a religious household and that’s very important to me.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I’m just a friendly person; that runs in my family.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

The distinction between children and adults, while probably useful for some purposes, is at bottom a specious one, I feel. There are only individual egos, crazy for love.

My family has very strong women. My mother never laughed at my dream of Africa, even though everyone else did because we didn’t have any money, because Africa was the ‚dark continent‘, and because I was a girl.

I can testify to what UNICEF means to children because I was among those who received food and medical relief right after World War II.

This character feels so much like my brother. He has two children. He has a wife. He works with me. He chooses to stay in New Hampshire because he wants his kids to grow up in the school they started with. He doesn’t want them to lose friends. He is his family’s hero.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

When I’m around the kids I feel like I act the most grown-up just because you’re supposed to. And I say things, like every other day, that remind me of my own parents.

For me, already being part of a single parent household and knowing it was just me and my mom, you’d would wake up times and hope that the next day you’d be able to be alongside your mother because she was out trying to make sure that I was taken care of. But all I cared about was her being home.

You don’t have to deserve your mother’s love. You have to deserve your father’s.

Stand-up is my baby.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life.

I had one incident where my daughter said that a girl asked if she was a brown person. I said, ‚We’re black. You have black people, white people, Chinese people, Hispanic people; we’re all brought up differently.‘

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I’m focusing on me. I’m focusing on my family’s security, my family’s financial security, so that’s all I can do.

Who will take responsibility for raising the next generation?

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

Thank God, I never was cheerful. I come from the happy stock of the Mathers, who, as you remember, passed sweet mornings reflecting on the goodness of God and the damnation of infants.

All of my brothers and sisters are very talented. They all sang all right.

My mother would kill me if I posed nude! My mother raised me with certain standards.

As I got older, my pops tried to keep me involved with the culture by telling me the stories of the conflict between Ethiopia and Eritrea, how he came to America, and about our family back home, because all that side of my family – my aunties, grandparents – is in Africa.

I’ve never lived my life in the opinion of others. I believe I’m a good person. I believe I’m a good mom. But that’s for my kids to decide, not for the world.