For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

It’s a funny old world.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

My goal is to entertain myself and others.

I used to rush home to see ‚Match Of The Day.‘ Whatever I was doing, I wouldn’t miss it.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

The French complain of everything, and always.

I don’t know, I feel desperate when I sing. And I look desperate – it feels like I’m singing for my life, which makes me twitch, if that makes sense.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

It’s really fun to be on stage in front of people.

I want to – more than anything – to create a moment that people will never forget. Not for me, but for themselves. That’s what I remember about great Super Bowl performances in the past, when you really get lost in the moment with your family.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

And I try to give the best bang for the buck. I love performing more than anything else.

I am a giant proponent of giant screens. But I accept the fact that most of my movies are going to be seen on phones.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

TV’s a big deal in prison. A big deal. People watch it nonstop.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I sent out a tweet, ‚Dancing with the Stars‘ should stop the jibber jabber. They shouldn’t make the departure of a dancer so tear jerky because nobody’s going to war.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I’ve been reading tabloids since I was nine. I love a good story.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

I take a lot of pride in the work I do, because people pay to see me. They’ve got to get babysitters, park their car, get popcorn and candy. I’ve got to be conscious of that.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

I like entertaining people. I really miss it.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

I went on all over the States, ranting poems to enthusiastic audiences that, the week before, had been equally enthusiastic about lectures on Railway Development or the Modern Turkish Essay.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

We are certainly not to relinquish the evidence of experiments for the sake of dreams and vain fictions of our own devising; nor are we to recede from the analogy of Nature, which is wont to be simple and always consonant to itself.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

I’ve done auditions where the casting director is taking the paper out of my hand in the middle of reading.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

Constant development is the law of life, and a man who always tries to maintain his dogmas in order to appear consistent drives himself into a false position.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Comedy Central was a great network, but ‚Chappelle’s Show‘ took it to a completely different level. Other shows got bigger because so many viewers were watching the ‚Chappelle‘ reruns. For BET, the ‚Real Husbands of Hollywood‘ has that same potential.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.