Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

I’m pretty laid-back in real life. I just love hanging with my friends and making jokes. The jokes don’t stop – literally, all day.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Take my wife… Please!

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.