I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Marriage is the most wonderful thing ever.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

That’s what a man wants in a wife, mostly; he wants to make sure one fool tells him he’s wise.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

There is no subject on which more dangerous nonsense is talked and thought than marriage.

Divorce is probably of nearly the same date as marriage. I believe, however, that marriage is some weeks the more ancient.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

If a man could have half of his wishes, he would double his troubles.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

We’re so immaturely cynical as a culture. We’re not wise enough to look at an institution like marriage and to really things about what it means and what it signifies. It signifies a place where people can tie the ropes of their lives together so that they’re stronger. It signifies a place where people can tell the truth to one another.

Wives are young men’s mistresses, companions for middle age, and old men’s nurses.

I want kids. I want a soccer team, and I want a husband.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

It’s not always been a happy marriage. I guess I wanted a quick fix.

I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

The French complain of everything, and always.

I used to live with my grandmother. I used to wonder why the other kids in school went home with their mothers and fathers. I wanted to be the guy that got married. I wanted to be the guy with the children and the white picket fence. I never had that.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

One of my lungs is half gone, and the other half, because I smoked for years, has a lesion. So I can’t swim anymore and had the swimming pool covered over. Now it’s what I call the dance pavilion, and so I and my friends sit out and put music on and watch people dance.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

I believe a marriage is between a man and a woman.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Where there’s marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

Wit is educated insolence.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.