Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Progress lies not in enhancing what is, but in advancing toward what will be.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Men’s vows are women’s traitors!

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Falling in love and having a relationship are two different things.

If you want to go somewhere, it is best to find someone who has already been there.

I always wanted a great love affair: something that feels big and full, really honest, and enough. No moment should feel slight, false, or a little off. For me, it had to be everything.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

The experience of God, or in any case the possibility of experiencing God, is innate.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

At the outset, I want to say that the suggestion that the struggle in South Africa is under the influence of foreigners or communists is wholly incorrect. I have done whatever I did because of my experience in South Africa and my own proudly felt African background, and not because of what any outsider might have said.

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

I’ve had some ‚riotous excursions of the human spirit‘ alongside the young Sailors and Marines, and it’s time to leave the stage to the young leaders who got their rank the old-fashioned way – they earned their stripes in combat.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

In terms of the legal matter of creating a contract between two people that’s called marriage, and allowing them to live together with the protection of law, it seems to me is the way we should be moving in this country.

The status quo sucks.

Choose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

That’s what a man wants in a wife, mostly; he wants to make sure one fool tells him he’s wise.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

I’m no longer just a candidate. I’m the President. I know what it means to send young Americans into battle, for I have held in my arms the mothers and fathers of those who didn’t return. I’ve shared the pain of families who’ve lost their homes, and the frustration of workers who’ve lost their jobs.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

It’s not always been a happy marriage. I guess I wanted a quick fix.

In the end, everything is a gag.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

More people should read books. It’s the most concentrated experience you can have.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

If someone is right for you, you’ll know it.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

See any detour as an opportunity to experience new things.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Married or single, you sisters possess distinctive capabilities and special intuition you have received as gifts from God. We brethren cannot duplicate your unique influence.

He that has not got a wife is not yet a complete man.

Nothing flatters a man as much as the happiness of his wife; he is always proud of himself as the source of it.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

In a relationship each person should support the other; they should lift each other up.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

Actually, I hear a lot of rock music. My husband is a big rock fan.

In the revolt against idealism, the ambiguities of the word experience have been perceived, with the result that realists have more and more avoided the word.

There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.