When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

If you’re in this business and you are scared, then you better do something else.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

If you don’t drive your business, you will be driven out of business.

To keep the business going, you gotta keep it boomin‘.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

It’s safe to say headphones is a good business.

I got an album concept called ‚Exit Strategy,‘ that might be one of my last ones. It’s a term they use in business when you build companies. You create an exit strategy as you make a company. You don’t wait till you’re five years in it; you create a exit strategy as you make the company.

For the first time we’re allowing developers who don’t work at Facebook to develop applications just as if they were. That’s a big deal because it means that all developers have a new way of doing business if they choose to take advantage of it. There are whole companies that are forming whose only product is a Facebook Platform application.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

The thing most people don’t pick up when they become an entrepreneur is that it never ends. It’s 24/7.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

My business is to prevent the future.

If we listened to our intellect, we’d never have a love affair. We’d never have a friendship. We’d never go into business, because we’d be cynical. Well, that’s nonsense. You’ve got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.

A business has to be involving, it has to be fun, and it has to exercise your creative instincts.

When a management with a reputation for brilliance tackles a business with a reputation for bad economics, it is the reputation of the business that remains intact.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can’t help it. It’s the truth.

The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would steal them away.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

The French complain of everything, and always.

An important priority for me is a business must get their own house in order. Be or become an agent of positive change in your own enterprise and adopt responsible practices to eliminate the risks that often lie at the root of inequality and poverty.

Eventually, all companies are replaced.

By reading, you learn through others‘ experiences, generally, a better way to do business, especially in our line of work where the consequences of incompetence are so final for young men.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

I’ve found that men I’ve dated who are in the same business can be really competitive. I’ve found a great group of girlfriends in the same business who aren’t competitive, but a few times guys have started comparing careers and it has been… challenging.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Only he is successful in his business who makes that pursuit which affords him the highest pleasure sustain him.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.