Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Some men have a necessity to be mean, as if they were exercising a faculty which they had to partially neglect since early childhood.

I don’t get bored.

There is no such thing as justice in the abstract; it is merely a compact between men.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

I don’t know how the rap game is, because I’m a fan of reality, and the rap game’s entertainment.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

What a blast it is to be here with Michael Moore.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

When I started analysing games in 2001, I had a DVD recorder. I’d be at home watching the games just on a normal TV, watching what I could and trying to figure out what we would be facing a few weeks later. The problem was, in the team meetings, I’d always have to keep going back and forwards with the footage, trying to get to the right part.

I’ve been reading tabloids since I was nine. I love a good story.

You see some of the weirdest people in Detroit casinos.

Men who have reached and passed forty-five, have a look as if waiting for the secret of the other world, and as if they were perfectly sure of having found out the secret of this.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

‚Young Indiana Jones’ was one of the happiest times I ever had, so I love television.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

Gold is good in its place; but loving, brave, patriotic men are better than gold.

I performed in a bowling alley before while people were still bowling. Cut the check, and I will perform anywhere.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

There are many men who are forgotten, who are despised, and who are trampled on by their fellows, but there never was a man who was so despised as the everlasting God has been!

History does nothing; it does not possess immense riches, it does not fight battles. It is men, real, living, who do all this.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there’d be peace.

Movies were invented for Jimmy Cagney, and he was invented for the movies. A perfect match.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Culture: the cry of men in face of their destiny.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

WWE is a space where I thrived, and I loved, and I still do. I love connecting with an audience; that is the greatest thing about going back to WWE.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

My music is a luxury.

Anybody that doesn’t like Cardi B a hater!

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

Music is part of the life of fashion, too.

Everybody is entertained to death.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I’m doing new stuff all the time.

Anywhere I go, there is always an incredible crowd that follows me. In Rome, as I land at the airport, even the men kiss me. I love Rome.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

I enjoy driving on the sim, doing stuff like that, staying at home.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.