Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends.

If you wished to be loved, love.

I make friends faster and easier than journalists.

Shared joys make a friend, not shared sufferings.

We were never intimate mother and children while she was our mother – but… when she became our child, the affection came.

Not cohabitation but consensus constitutes marriage.

I’ve… been accused of being involved with every man I’m ever seen with or worked with. Maybe I have, maybe I ain’t. I never tell if I have.

For the woman, the man is a means: the end is always the child.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Ultimately, who you choose to be in a relationship with and what you do in your bedroom is your business.

Man and animals are in reality vehicles and conduits of food, tombs of animals, hostels of Death, coverings that consume, deriving life by the death of others.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

The fact is that people are good, Give people affection and security, and they will give affection and be secure in their feelings and their behavior.

My dad was very intelligent, had a very strong personality. I was amazed with my father.

Men are April when they woo, December when they wed. Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are wives.

I approach love differently now that I know it’s hard for it to work out.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

A lot of guys are able to separate how they act off the court versus how they act on the court.

Tell me what you like and I’ll tell you what you are.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

Leaders must be close enough to relate to others, but far enough ahead to motivate them.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

It is not love that should be depicted as blind, but self-love.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

I think women love very hard. We love men. We just love with everything we have. And sometimes, I don’t know that that love is met with the type of dignity that we wish it would be met with.

You bring children into the world. You love them with heart and soul.

I’ve seen my friends take someone back after they’ve cheated because they fit perfectly.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

I’m an emotional person.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.

I like working. That’s when I’m feeling my best. And the people around me know that. My wife knows that.

Technology is huge; I wanted to learn about it. People might say that’s odd, but I think it’s odd if artists aren’t interested in the world around them. I’m always chasing that.

Though lovers be lost, love shall not.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

A vigorous temper is not altogether an evil. Men who are easy as an old shoe are generally of little worth.

Secrets are things we give to others to keep for us.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

My mother, I suppose, is still a main figure in my life because her life was so sad and unfair, and she so brave, but also because she was determined to make me into the Sunday-school-recitation little girl I was, from the age of seven or so, fighting not to be.

I don’t hate women – they just sometimes make me mad.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

I don’t believe in God but I’m very interested in her.

The arts have only ever interested a small minority of people, which acted as a kind of nursery to support artists.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

The drama and the trauma of the relationship you have when you’re 16 can mirror the one you have when you’re 26. Life repeats itself.

If someone lies, well, you had a choice to trust that person or not. I think the way my father raised me, well, he trusted everybody. And that worked for him.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

The intellectual is different from the ordinary man, but only in certain sections of his personality, and even then not all the time.

Personality is everything in art and poetry.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.